Hi, I’m contemplating telling my husband the truth. He wants to know if I want to work on the marriage and that’s a hard question to answer without telling him the truth. How much do I tell him? Do I tell him I have been intimate with another woman and that’s how I know I am a lesbian? Do I tell him that’s why I don’t want to be intimate with him anymore? We’ve been married 19 years and I have known him since I was 14. I feel like I owe him a lot.
Congratulations on moving forward. Some questions to consider. Does your husband know that you're questioning your sexuality? Do you want to separate? What do you want to have happen? My concern is that sometimes women on this board "tell everything" to assuage guilty feelings rather than moving forward, and open themselves up to far more than they're prepared to handle. It's important to be smart about this.
Post by want2bhappy on Jan 3, 2019 14:58:52 GMT -5
I don’t want to give up my family, but I don’t want to live with him anymore either. Separating is the only way. I can’t have it both ways and can’t give yo how I feel with a woman. He has an idea about my sexuality, he’s asked and I’ve denied it in the past.
Ok. You can ask for a separation without divulging the affair. Seeing a lawyer first and fallowing her/his advice is best, I think. In any case, I sure wouldn't put it all out there without having your ducks in a row. Can you do it in a therapist's office?
I guess I don't understand this way of thinking. I know many people think that this is the way to proceed with the end of a relationship. But this was your partner and family for years and years. The dad of your kids. If he isn't a semblance of okay, your kids won't be okay either. So I don't understand not telling the truth. Are you safe? Physically and emotionally from him? In your other posts you have said you are already separated so you have a safe place to go if his reactions are too much to take. But it's okay if you have to stand in acknowledgement of his grief and pain that he has a right to. But you don't have to take any abusive behavior either. How you end this will go a long way in conserving what your future family with him will be. Cause after he grieves the loss of your life together, life might be more satisfying for him too. Someone may be able to come into his life and love him passionately when you let him go. It might turn out to be a nice relationship between the two of you, later, after space and time. The truth is a foundation that all can stand on and it keeps us afloat in the tempest of life. The truth is better for kids too. It's truly a gift to give. Perhaps he will have respect for your bravery. I don't know him. So I won't guess how it will go. But I do know you will have to deal with him in some capacity for the rest of life. You will have to own your actions. Make sure you can live with them.
Ultimately you have to stand up in your own skin and feel good about how you treat other people. Only you can know what that should be. And you don't need approval. You should follow your guts and intuition. In this kind of long-term relationship, I wouldn't treat someone this way. I wouldn't want to be treated this way. But I also know that I don't know everything. That I'm not in anyone else's relationship. I don't believe in a right or wrong anymore. I believe in living true to yourself. And no one can know that but you. We just aren't taught early enough in society that we can trust ourselves and that we can know what to do from within, especially as women. I know I'm a black and white thinker but I also know that nothing is black and white...but all nuanced and gray and difficult to negotiate. So I'm hopeful this doesn't sound judgy. It's only coming from my experience. And some years that have past. And the restructuring of family in my life. The ending of a family is a death of a dream and it is something to honor and be mourned. But it can evolve into something else. Something more truthful. Something even more satisfying and intimate because that's what the truth brings. Different. It won't be what you may have wanted or expected. But it can be real.
Hartache, don't know if your comment about not "understanding this way if thinking" has to do with my response to the original post or not, but I'll comment further in case it is. I've witnessed lots of guilt-ridden women on this board divulge everything to their husbands (who are invariably "wonderful men") only to get screwed over by those same guys. It's unfortunate, but men can perceive the news as an affront to their masculinity, especially after a couple of days when the reality sets in and they've talked about it with their buddies. I'm not saying don't ever divulge - in fact I'm a fan of honesty - but I am saying to be smart about it.
Thank you, Italiana. I think it’s good advice to be smart about it. I certainly know that there is ego and pride involved sometimes. And some getting screwed too. Truth. And I don’t know how each individual woman should do this. It’s so hard and personal. I don’t know whether they should go slow or fast. Aggressively or passively. No one knows. But them. And there’s not a way that it’s “supposed” to look. Or is “right.” It’s just a journey and path that each individual woman must take to learn what they need to, for themselves. And each step towards trueness to themselves becomes more satisfying. But it does not keep hurt and difficulties and learning and searching from keep on coming on.
However, I’ve been doing this and watching this for many years as well. And I’m associated with many late bloomers who have been out for some years and divorced for some years and into a different phase of life. And what I’ve seen mostly is “wonderful men” who in their grief-stricken state acted like assholes. In their loss, they are manipulative and bullying and angry and act in ways we don’t recognize. It’s shocking for sure. I’d say the average time period of this would be a couple of years. That is with the best of situations. If there has been affairs and long-term secrets, the betrayal and hurt might extend it longer. Should they not feel hurt? Should they not be angry? Is that not the process of grief? Should they act better? Probably. White male privilege is real. But we are all just humans living with the information and history of baggage that we have been given This journey is for all of the people in our lives. Husbands. Parents. Kids. Lots of homophobic friends and family. They will all have to grapple with the woman’s truths just like she has had to. Bust the old ideas and thoughtless biases coming from religion and society and fear. And omg. What a gift to give them all. They will realize it when they can and do and no sooner. With that information, a woman needs to decide how she will negotiate this situation. Not for him. Not from guilt or fear. Cause that can go badly in a lot of ways. You can act in a defensive way because of the fear of his anger and retaliation and cause a shitload of more problems for yourself. Coming from a space and energy of love and compassion and generosity is better than an energy of fear and scarcity. That doesn’t mean you won’t have to put up your dukes and fight some for yourself. That can still come from love. Love and compassion for self. Do it with transparency, especially to yourself. Actually only to yourself is fine too. Cause now you can take your life and live it on your terms and own it. So walk that walk. Whatever it means for you. But put more love energy into the world. We as woman should support each other more. As one heroic woman says, when they go low, we go high. And I don’t think she meant that we lay down and let them roll over us. But that we deliberately act wirh love instead of reacting in fear of scarcity.
Anyway sorry for the length. I didn’t mean for it to be. Just saying that the women I know now after many years of healing at most peace, also have that in their lives. Peace. Go for that. However you feel you can get there.
Last Edit: Jan 5, 2019 10:06:24 GMT -5 by hartache
I’m for lawyers. I’m not sure if I ever said I wasn’t. I had an amazing, da-bomb, fabulous and beautifully dykey lawyer. She knew exactly what to help me fight for. And she listened for my need for peace. And she knew how to keep me honest with myself so I wouldn’t give up too much or fold. And she knew when to let things go.
Thank you both Italians and Hartache for your input. You both have given me valuable advice and I respect both of your opinions here. I am still considering all of my options, but I do know that I owe him some honesty, and that is that I am not able to live like this anymore and present to be happy. I will keep you all posted. Much love to you all.
Post by want2bhappy on Jan 7, 2019 13:13:31 GMT -5
Hi, Here’s an update. We talked, he asked me if I had 100% to put into the marriage and I said no. He asked why that is and I told him I think so much has changed and happened with us. He said he thinks it’s because of (my gf). I told him I wanted to be honest and told him that she came into my life during a hard time when my mom was passing away and during that time he and I were really struggling. I explained that she brought me kindness and softness that I really needed and wasn’t getting from our marriage. He has been pretty intense and angry a lot of our marriage. He understood. He also said that in our marriage he alway felt that if I had cheated, he would leave. Now he is saying now that it has happened, (pretty much an unspoken truth now) he would take me back and still be able to put in 100%. He truly loves me and I do love him, I just feel like I can’t give back to him what he needs. I told him that. It was sad, and now I just feel so depressed. Hoping time heals and the right things happen.
Really powerfully brave of you. I’m so sorry for your pain. There feels like unbelievable grief in the journey sometimes. Folds you right in half. Follow yourself. Trust yourself. You have all the answers inside you. Much love to you.
Post by jbellabella on Jan 8, 2019 16:58:02 GMT -5
Hope you are riding out the wave of deep feeling and sadness! I'm in it too, though don't have a GF, just a solid understanding of what I want to have in my life and it's at least the opportunity to find what I am looking for in my lifelong attraction to women. Without too much backstory, my H has known this because I had a GF when we met (and a few before we married!) and we're both shocked that only now, after 14 years of het marriage, did I really come out to MYSELF for the first time and thus to him. And he's one minute telling me we can't be under the same roof if I don't think I'm bisexual anymore and the next, promising we'll figure it out together. It's a f-n ride! I don't want to have sex with him, but I appreciate his support and confusion as much as I'm trying to appreciate mine. I just don't know my answers yet. I'm in therapy, we're in therapy, but I guess my question is: do you KNOW when it's right to separate and take a risk or just gamble and own it? sending hugs
Thanks for posting. It sure is a ride. I am searching for the same answer. How will I know?? I keep hoping the answer will land right in front of me.
Since we had our talk on Sunday, my h told me that he’s still willing to make things work and that he’s here for me. Makes me feel good on one hand and sad that this has all happened. I feel terrible for him, and for everyone. Makes it more confusing too, because he really is a good person.
Good luck to you, I hope you find some peace soon!