Hi everybody, I’m struggling through my coming out after being married for 30 f*ing years. I love my husband but can’t have sex with him anymore now that I don’t have to. I fell in love with one of my neighbors, a woman. We have hooked up 3 times. These hook ups helped me to realize my sexuality. I never knew sex could be so lovely, no discomfort, it blew my mind. So, this woman says she doesn’t love me. Makes me so sad. It sure seemed like she did while we were hooking up. Not having her makes leaving my husband so much more difficult. I have these wild mood swings btw feeling so happy and hopeful and devastated by grief about the marriage being over. My husband has been very supportive saying he will help me get through this. I’m a very shy introverted person. Going out to meet women causes me great anxiety, very difficult to make myself do it. Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated.
Your description of the mood swings and all of the mixed emotions seems about right. I’m sorry about your neighbor friend. That seems very painful. Even though it takes a lot of energy to go out and meet new people, especially those that may be out of your comfort zone, it’s important to find support outside of your marriage. Your H may not be able to do that for long if your marriage needs to change. He might need some time to support himself through the loss. I have a lot of respect for your honesty with him. It will probably go a long way in helping sustain the relationship through its evolution. So going out to find community for yourself could be a saving grace. Find your people. Perhaps start with groups that you would feel comfortable in regularly but just with queer people. Book club? Sports? Arts? Also there are latebloomers everywhere now. Groups all around the world. Online, I think, is kind of a shitshow but some people do well. And then you can meet one person at a time. I have to admit that I’m not an introvert and enjoy a crowd, but I’ve also been known to disappear if I feel like it. Finding peace and home, within yourself and without is where it’s at now. Searching for that is part of the journey. And it sometimes feels like a big stretch outside of a comfort zone and lonely. But you seem real and genuine. Show up as yourself. You will draw those good supporters and true friends to you.
Happy journeying toward your whole and happy self. Reach out when the fear and grief overtakes the excitement as it does often during this healing time. There are many who will understand.
Last Edit: Nov 10, 2018 8:42:42 GMT -5 by hartache
Hartache- thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! I know what you say is true, that I have to make myself go meet people and what you say about my husband and I is true also. That we won’t be able to be each other’s support forever. I have been slightly more centered lately, thinking my next step is to go to the lesbian bookstore/cafe. I know that it doesn’t sound like much to an extrovert but it will be a big step for me. I don’t sleep much. I have tried everything, exercise, mediation, medications, alcohol etc. nothing works. I thought I would wear myself down and finally collapse from needing sleep so bad but it doesn’t happen. I slept 6 hrs last night, the most in a long time. Did this happen to you? Any ideas? I can’t tell you how much relief I felt from your response. Just knowing someone is there helps so much.
Some of that insomnia is normal - uncomfortable, but normal. In my experience, trying to force sleep only makes things worse. That said, have you talked to your doctor about it? Also, I heartily recommend Pema Chödrön's book "When Things Fall Apart" as a companion guide to life changes...
You are so very welcome. I’m sincerely glad it helps. I received much love and support from others too and also appreciated that. Saved my life sometimes.
Yes! I felt like I didn’t sleep for two years straight. It’s probably not true but it felt like it. Even now, like you said, I’m thankful for six hours. If only it could be for several months in a row. In my experience though, the stages of grief haven’t been linear but really more cyclical. So even with a bout of sleep, grief can creep in again so that it feels as if you are right back where you started. Even that probably isn’t true either. There was a time in the beginning when I was so fearful and full of grief that I call my zombie year. I really couldn’t watch TV or movies or listen to music or read. I did what was needed for kids and work and tried to survive the best I could. I tried to make community. I felt very alone. At night I listened to dharmaseed.org. Tara Brach’s talks on grief were my favorite. It would take me several days to finish one truly because her voice comforted me and I would fall asleep. When I would wake up I would just turn it on again. Here’s a link. There are many talks. You may like something better. You can find her on YouTube as well. www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/175/?search=Grief
One thing to know for sure is that this hard time will change. It will get better. It won’t always be so frightening. You will get stronger. Keep going. Nothing has to be perfect. Just keep going.
Hartache- that is exactly what happened to me today. I had a great week and weekend last week, feeling happy, confident, excited about my future. Sunday night the anxiety came creeping back and by Monday I was an emotional wreck all day. Good to know the emotional swings are going to be around for a while. That’s how I feel, like a zombie. Like you I’m just trying to keep my job. Luckily my kids are grown and I don’t have to worry about them. I’m not sure how you did it. Thanks for the link. I’ll check it out. I do feel lonely. My supports are far away, Cleveland, California and Michigan. I have a few friends here in Baltimore but not many.
I love your last paragraph. It helps to know nothing has to be perfect and just keep going. It’s similar to AA, one day at a time.
Post by hummingbird on Nov 15, 2018 14:15:35 GMT -5
The ladies have given great responses already. I just wanted to say welcome. The roller coaster slows down and then speeds up many times over. Self-care is your biggest asset right now. Move your body, relax your mind and give yourself nourishment. ❤️