Post by hummingbird on Oct 10, 2018 10:12:06 GMT -5
I was just wondering if anybody towards the beginning of this journey questioned themselves about making this up. It’s like sometimes I watch myself from the outside and think, “Is this really happening? How could I have had these feelings all along and not realize what they meant?” It seems really crazy to me that this is happening. I’ve really sat and looked at my past to see the breadcrumbs that led up to this, both the denial and the experiences that I had to indicate that I wasn’t straight. I mean- I always identified (quietly and more to myself than anybody) as bisexual, but I just never put much thought into it because I was in a conservative church then left the church and married a man. I just never had the chance to really sit with my sexuality until I met C. Sometimes it just seems really unbelievable. I don’t deny my feelings and and urges, but I’m still struggling with bi or lesbian, more than anything. Do people go through this journey and realize that they are truly bisexual or do most end up realizing they are gay?
Firstly, I just want to validate those initial, unbelievable feelings of finding yourself attracted and wanting a woman. Makes you feel crazy! Especially if you come from some kind of conservative religion. Very common. For me it was both thrilling and painfully frightening all at once.
Second, I want to say that you are not going to find the answers outside of your own body and soul. No one will be able to identify you except you. You also don't need to quantify that to anyone else but you. You have enough inside of you to become a powerful, autonomous woman who doesn't owe your identity to anyone but you. You don't need a justification or excuse for a man or religion or society or culture to claim your own being.
I also want to say that bisexual and lesbian are both gay. I could be wrong, but it feels as if you are trying to make gay be about sex. If you are lesbian, you can only be sexually attracted to women but if you are bisexual then their is a chance you can be sexually attracted to men. You may be trying to find a loophole (that you don't need) to justify your choices. If bisexuality resonates with you, you can stay married to your husband? I don't identify as bisexual, but I don't think that's how it works. I don't think just because there is a possibility of being attracted to men, you can just decide to stay or be with one. It's not that simple really and also it's reducing gayness to sex which is common coming from a conservative religion. If it's only about sex then "they" can make it seem more choice-oriented. Even though science has really dispelled those myths. Truthfully, gayness is about who you romantically connect with. It's a deep and core quality of the nature of yourself. And of course, sex is a part of that. But not more than it is for a hetero person. That romantic connection can't be summed up simply by who you can have sex with. People have sex all of the time with whoever without coming close to touching the essence of their identity. Romantic love is more than sex. It's who you want to partner with and spend your days with. And yes...who you want to reach out and touch both emotionally and physically.
I wish it were easier. But you can follow yourself. You can trust your feelings and body. We aren't told that as women. Start by honoring that in yourself and you will find your way.
Post by hummingbird on Oct 10, 2018 13:24:50 GMT -5
Wow! You just blew that wide open for me. You are so right that I’ve wanted to make it about sex. I guess that’s because I love my H and he’s such a good man. Up until I met C, I never doubted that we would be married until we were old and (more) grey. We are a fabulous team and share the same values so I just thought- yeah- as long as I want to have sex with him then we are golden. When I see a lesbian couple, it makes me happy (for them) and sad for me that I don’t have that and my never have it. I guess I need to sit with that for awhile....
I think that perhaps if you had everything you needed in that fabulous partnership, this situation wouldn't have come up for you. Just a theory. I could be wrong. We always want to moralize everything and make it right or wrong. Sometimes life just happens. I would say a vast majority of us weren't looking for this situation to occur. Now you are conscious of your feelings...it's where you go from here that will make the rest of your life. It's actually a blessing in disguise but it's okay if you can't feel that right now.
This thread helps me so much. I feel exactly the way you do Hummingbird and have almost driven myself around the twist asking myself if this is real or whether I’m just infatuated with her and that it’s something that will pass. Deep down I now know why it’s always felt like something has been missing in my straight relationships. I find myself looking back on my whole life too, trying to figure out at what point could I have gone any other way than to conform with my heterosexual conditioning? There really was no room to be anything but straight. In their older age my parents are very open and accepting of many more things than they used to be but now I’m in my 30’s I feel like if I ‘come out’ people will be in disbelief, like “How could you all of a sudden ‘decide’ you’re a lesbian?” I’ve been having the same thoughts when it comes to sex and thinking to myself, is it really that big of a deal? If it’s just about the sex then I can live without that and stay to keep my husband happy. But my physical connection with her came from our insane chemistry overall. Exactly what was said above. That I’d never experienced romantic connection with anyone before as I did with her. This is the most painful journey I’ve ever been on and I feel angry at myself that I was aware I had same sex attraction but didn’t explore it when I was single and now I’m married to a man it feels like I’ve made my bed so to speak. How do unravel the balls of guilt and confusion we tie ourselves up in on this journey?
How do unravel the balls of guilt and confusion we tie ourselves up in on this journey?
So...the guilt...it’s rough, right? I keep trying to remind myself that I’m doing the best that I can. We didn’t just wake up and say, “Let’s f everything up!” Right? I am also learning that I’m not responsible for everybody’s emotions. I can only be responsible for mine. I can’t possibly carry everybody else’s too. I think that’s new for me. I am a helper by nature so it’s hard. I am just shifting my perspective and know that I’m helping them by allowing them to grown and carry their own emotions.
The confusion. Well- I’m not as sure. I journal a ton. My therapist encourages this so I can find themes and answers in my writing. It helps a bit. So far themes are: guilt, disbelief, confusion, authenticity. Lol- I know you can relate.
I can totally relate and admire you for doing 'the work' to explore what you're going through. During my busy work weeks I tend to bury it and try to ignore the turmoil swirling under the surface. I don't journal and there are no therapists in my area or even state that specialise in this area. Do you find therapy helpful for working through this?
Post by hummingbird on Oct 14, 2018 19:35:47 GMT -5
So I’ve been to therapy twice now. I’m on the fence about how helpful it is. It’s definitely good to talk to somebody about everything, but of course there is major work involved so it can be painful. I am trying to watch my thoughts and feelings without judgment, but that’s not easy.
Post by want2bhappy on Nov 12, 2018 19:45:19 GMT -5
Hi, The guilt is the worst. My h has tried so many things so fix us. Now he’s impatient and wants to know this week how I feel about our marriage. He had me listen to a set of marriage cds that he bought. They made sense but I found myself feeling like I can’t do what the cds suggest.
It’s hard to tell him that I have realized our marriage is more of a friendship and the marriage is not enough for me, without telling him everything about my sexuality. How do you tell someone you aren’t attracted to them, or that you can’t meet their needs anymore? Our marriage was not thriving long before my gf came along. I cheated on him before (with a man) because I think I was searching for what was missing. I just had no idea what was really missing.
The guilt is real. I've thought a lot about it and what it is for. Maybe it's for feeling something contrary or helpful to your life, but still having the courage to act upon your truths instead of someone else's idea or approval on how you should act. Sometimes guilt contributes to us trying to avoid disappointing and hurting people. I'm still thinking...so I don't have any concrete answers for you. But we have feelings sometimes that get in the way of having true relationships with others. They don't know us. How can they without the truth between you. You are going to walk through this thing and hurt people. It will be impossible not to. Make it count. And I don't mean for that to sound flippant. What I mean by that is speak the truth kindly at all times so that you and everyone else can find your way across this so that it ultimately ends in the most happiness for everyone. Your H deserves to be wanted just like you also deserve that. You deserve to want someone. It will hurt him that you can't give him that. It's terrible to hurt and disappoint people. But what may be worse is not sharing that truth which might keep him there falsely as well as you. In the end, if you act from an internal place of truth, you will be benefiting all those you interact with including your husband. In the long run. But I know it's hard to trust yourself and honor those truths in the storm of guilt and pain. But if you kindly share your truth with him, perhaps he can see his way to more love for you and him.
Post by want2bhappy on Nov 15, 2018 0:55:54 GMT -5
Thank you Hartache, I think you’re right about guilt. This was very helpful. It’s so scary because he wants me to make a decision right now. I can’t blame him, it’s been a while. But it’s just so scary and I am torn between leaving a family and missing out on authenticity.
I understand. It is so very scary. You will have to meet and face that fear and make a decision only for you, that you can live with. There is no one way or right way. This isn't black n white. Every situation is personal. The loss of a family is very painful. One thing to consider is whether or not you have really already left that original family. Perhaps not legally or completely, untying yourself in all the ways, physical or emotional. But really is the family of your past or of your dreams and expectations still there? I don't know that a person can completely go back again after knowing themselves in this way. I think this kind of thing happens in many families and marriages. My bro and his wife are going through this kind of change in their hetero marriage and their counselor said that there isn't a way back but a chance to make something new and true and intimate by fearlessly and brutally telling all of their truths. That makes sense to me. Can that work when one person is straight and one person is gay? Can you be satisfied with anything that is less than true and intimate? I don't know. Just questions I asked myself when I left. The good news is if you do decide to follow your authenticity, you will always be some kind of a family. He is the parent of your kids. Your kids are your kids. I'm not downplaying the grief in the loss of what you hoped for when you started your family. That is a long mourning process and there may always be some bittersweet feelings surrounding that loss. But there is truth. And that truth makes relationships real and sweet although sometimes still painful. And that is still family even if it is not what you imagined. It's funny cause I have a big age span of kids and only one left at home now. It's been almost 6 years since I made the decision to separate. And that last one has gone through this process with us not really knowing she has. There's a lot of gay in her life. The other day she says to me, straight parents are weird. The irony and humor in that...considering I grew up fearing the queer and as culturally straight as it gets. But if it's in there, it's gonna come out someday, even if you try to hold it in for a while more and suffer in that. Your family will grow. And it will grow into something changed yet beautiful.