Post by hummingbird on Oct 1, 2018 17:55:19 GMT -5
So after I met my C I lost interest in intimacy with my H. As it stood, we were having sex maybe once a month and it was because I felt obligated so I would rally and make it happen. Now- I’m just not interested. I could have sex with my C for hours on end and not stop. I’m not sure who still reads these boards, but I was wondering if this could be a temporary thing since I’ve just discovered my attraction to women or a more permanent thing. At this point, I don’t think I need to have sex with a man ever again. Has anybody ever get this way and then come around to being interested in sex with you H? I love him. He’s a great guy. He’s my best friend, but I just don’t want to have sex with him.
These boards are read - a lot. Check the stats on the bottom of the home page. Not sure why the posts have slowed down....
That said, new relationships - especially the first one with a woman - are often super-intense sexually. Does it wear off after a while? Sure. Does that mean you'd be attracted to your husband again? Doubtful, but that's up to you to find out. Regardless of sexual orientation, people don't have affairs when they're happy in their primary relationship. Are you in therapy?
Post by hummingbird on Oct 1, 2018 20:38:10 GMT -5
I went to therapy today for the first time. She seemed to think the same thing that you are saying- that my desire isn’t going to change. Well- shit. Hahaha. So now what? That’s more of a question for me than for you.
I know exactly how you feel Hummingbird. I worry that leaving because the sex is incredible would come back to bite me if I then discovered it wears off the way it has in my straight life. But I also find myself wondering if this is what I’ve been missing all along and that if we are in the right relationship with the right person (woman), that we could have lifelong intimacy and passion. I ask all the same internal questions you do. I feel like you are reading my mind with these posts. I haven’t desired sex with my H for a very long time and I feel so terrible about that. He feels rejected and unwanted as a result and that hurts him and me because I truly do love him. I also feel guilt that if a woman leaves their marriage and ‘turns’ gay, that the husband not only goes through incredible grief but also feels emasculated. Talk about guilt with a side of guilt.
You are not responsible for your husband's masculinity. There is support available for straight spouses. The Straight Spouse Network does a great job walking spouses through their own feelings. They're also not homophobic. They recognize that societal homophobia - not the individual coming out - is to blame for this issue. www.straightspouse.org/
BTW, lots of people who write to them are angry and hurt. I don't recommend you peruse that site, but instead refer your straight spouse if that feels right.
Post by want2bhappy on Oct 18, 2018 1:23:41 GMT -5
I have a question, how do you tell your husband that you don’t want to have sex? My h and I have been living apart, and in this in-between place. We hang out, do dinners, family nights, go out to dinner every once in a while. Just to keep the one thread in tact. We haven’t had sex in over a year. He has tried a few times and I have turned him down. We are going away this weekend for a family trip and I have a feeling that he will want to sleep in the same bed and will want to be intimate. What do I say? I really don’t want to, but I also dont want to have to explain why I don’t want to either. Make sense? Anyone have advice?
Post by hummingbird on Oct 18, 2018 17:35:47 GMT -5
I’m thinking it may be time for you to have that conversation. The last time I did it with H, I was really trying to see if I could make it happen and I just wanted it over as soon as it started. I had told him that I realized I was rallying to have sex with him for some time (years) because I wanted to be a good wife. After the last time he asked me if I had done it as an obligation and I admitted that I did. I also explained that I was trying to see if I could make it work. That’s the last time we talked about it. I tried kissing him (morning than a peck) a couple of weeks ago and there was just nothing there. In fact, I started to panic when I thought he was moving his hands towards anything remotely sexual. In this process I’ve found, the hard way, tha being honest is the best thing as hard as that is.
I can relate to this. I just told H that I may need space sexually to figure things out a bit more. He has agreed and also sees it as an opportunity to look at how he has been conditioned around sex as the primary way to be close. Talking about it allows me to still be honest with someone I consider my best friend. I secretly hope the desire will come back but am trying to be at peace with the transformation taking place and standing in my truth. Plus I don’t think they want obligatory sex....we all want what’s real.
Post by want2bhappy on Nov 19, 2018 8:34:02 GMT -5
Hi Ladyblue, That’s a good point about obligatory sex. Saying it that way puts things into a little different perspective. Does your h know that you are wanting space because of questioning your sexuality?
Yes he knows...it wasn’t easy to say or easy to hear. It can create some more fear...but we’re framing it as an opportunity to think differently about various forms of intimacy. It’s awkward but it also feels powerful and important for me to consider what I truly want and be okay with it and with expressing it. The way we’ve been conditioned, my needs have always come last and I have confused what I want and what I should do.
Maybe there could be a check in some time soon? Or maybe at this point your H may already assume sex won’t happen on this trip. But if he does, you could share that you are still not ready and would like to keep focusing on other aspects of your relationship. It’s up to you what you feel comfortable sharing at this time. Just keep listening to yourself
Last Edit: Nov 20, 2018 18:29:59 GMT -5 by ladyblue
My husband put much of the same pressure on me as well - saying that I had to choose whether we would be married or not.
I had a hard time with that because in a marriage, in a partnership, there are two people. And what you are saying is that you are discovering a new way that you exist in the world. Yes, that dramatically changes the way you interact with the world and it changes they way you perceive partnerships and what you are going to offer your spouse in terms of intimacy, etc. I firmly believe this is a DISCUSSION to be had between two people. If you did chose to stay married and not be intimate, is that the kind of marriage your husband wants? He has choices to make too, and coming together to discuss them and have BOTH partners make decisions is the only way this moves forward without massive guilt and anger.
My husband was unwilling to have a marriage in which there was any decrease in sexual activity, or, more specifically, in which his partner didn't desire sexual activity with him specifically. He was not open to the idea of flexibility/openness in the marriage. When I sat down with him and said I wanted to stay married, to keep our family together, and be friends, he said no. He said he deserved more than that. One year later I can see that we both deserve more than that.
Long story short - I have a strong visceral reaction to people being told they are going to determine the state of the marriage when it is such a dynamic process that involved TWO people with TWO sets of expectations and dreams. I have seen some really unconventional situations be successful, but only when there is active communication and participation by both partners.