Post by hummingbird on Sept 15, 2018 13:27:29 GMT -5
My marriage was good- or so I thought. My husband is great. I married my best friend. Sex has never been a big thing in our marriage and he was my only sexual partner. I knew I was attracted to women, but didn’t put a lot of thought into it because I was married. And then I met her and all hell broke loose. The electricity was insane and I struggle to see my life without her. She’s younger and a lesbian- I’m older with a family. The deeper I go, the less I’m attracted to my husband and the more I’m attracted to her. I’ve never felt intimacy the way I feel it with her. I’m trying to sort thru all of this and really struggling. My marriage is on the rocks and this is my struggle. If I’m bisexual- I should try to work on my marriage. Right? If I’m a lesbian- then my marriage is essentially over. I don’t typically care about labels, but I’m trying to rectify all of this and what direction I should go. I know I should contact a therapist as a first step. I’ve also read Joanne’s book and will re-read and journal thru the chapters. I as just looking for some thoughts on others who have gone thru similar things.
Hummingbird, I’ve asked all the same questions you have and know that feeling of being torn in two. The intensity of your first love with a woman is beautiful, terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Well I can only put the words to it that make sense to me. It takes time to process those feelings and I think in another thread Italiana has wisely pointed out that some of it is likely to be limerence. That crazy phase when we fall in love with someone and oxytocin takes over. I do believe it’s intensified greatly when it’s our first lady love as it throw our whole world into a tailspin and we start to question our identity. Something I noticed in what you wrote is the way you ‘should’ all over yourself. Please don’t think I’m trying to be your therapist but I can feel the guilt and pressure you put on yourself because I’ve been doing that to myself too. There is no rule book for this journey. We didn’t ask for things to unfold this way. Beating ourselves up, whilst it feels like something we ‘should’ do because we caused this mess right? It doesn’t help us, or anyone else, and it keeps us paralysed in guilt. That’s my experience anyway. Be kind to yourself lady. You didn’t intend for any of this to happen. But it’s happening... When it comes to having a label, that’s entirely your choice whether you want to put one on yourself or not. There is no should there and no one has any right to push you one way or the other. You are human being. You love your husband. You fell in love with a woman. You are discovering new things about yourself. That is all ok. You are ok. You will get through this. We all will. Whilst I don’t practice in any religion as an adult, I’ve realised through this process that Catholic guilt is alive and well in my conditioning. That is why I really noticed the ‘shoulds’ you’re putting on yourself. Should is always an entree for guilt. Whenever I should on myself, I know what comes next. Sorry for my big essay response. I just wanted to step in and defend you against that critical voice that shoulds on you because I have one too. Be gentle and kind with yourself. This is one helluva roller coaster ride and those around you may not always be gentle with you as they are going through their own stuff. We have to learn to give that compassion to ourselves. As I said in my msg, I’m sending you hugs and wishing you gain some greater clarity soon. I know how hard it is to live on the fence xoxo
As hard as it’s been for me to accept as for the last 12 months I’ve wanted the lightning bolt revelation or for someone else to give me the magical answer, I’ve realised that only we can figure out what to do. No one can do it for us. No matter how many questions we ask of the universe or anyone else, even those who have walked this road. There comes a point where we have to go within to ask all the questions. And allow our inner compass to guide us in making decisions that are right for us. The decision we make today may not be the right one for us down the track. That’s ok. We can change our mind and our heart. People grow and change. So do our desires and our goals in life. I feel how painful your ambivalence is. Because I’ve been living in the same space for the last 12 months. I admire that you’re currently taking a break to seek that inner guidance. I’m sending love across the airways wherever you may be in the world and hope that whatever you decide brings you peace once the dust has settled. Everything will be ok xoxo
So, I moved out a year ago after a many year struggle with my "am I gay or bi and what does it mean" struggle. When I moved out I decided I would identify as Queer. This allowed me too to honor my past with my husband, but also have the flexibility going forward to be with women exclusively. I now identify as gay, but I expect my label will be constantly changing. Lisa Diamond writes about the "flexibility" of women's sexuality over time. Her book follows women over many years and says that the labels many women apply change with context in their lives. Very few women she followed kept the same label over the decade she followed them.
I would encourage you to reframe the question. It is easy to look to the label for the answers. "If I am a lesbian, then the choice is easy", or the "lightning bolt revelation" that theabyss was talking about. Maybe instead of "am I a lesbian or am I bi" it is "Am I in love with my husband? Is my marriage salvageable? Is this the future I want for myself?" Your sexuality will continue to grow regardless of the path you take, but if you can't imagine yourself being with your husband in any way, then maybe that is your answer to the should I stay or should I go question. I think so much of this journey is about first finding and then TRUSTING our own inner voice. On our sexuality, on our marriage, and on so much more!