Post by Shesmyheart on Jun 27, 2018 13:14:42 GMT -5
I come back to this site a wounded girl that knows better. I have been in and out here throughout the years; I keep hearing Joanne say "At some point the pain will outweigh the joy". I have been involved with a married woman for eight very long years. I have loved her with all that I was and am. I know that the time has come to leave and I have such an incredibly deep sadness about all of it. I am breathing shallow because I feel like I will break into a thousand little pieces if I take a deep breath. I don't even know where to begin.... It has been far too long of me waiting on the side when really she had no intention of leaving her marriage or the security (financial or otherwise) that it provides. She would rather have her houses, nice cars, nice trips, oh and Louis Vuitton. So many things have happened in the eight years.....parents died, family chronic and acute illness, children graduated from high school, some got married, then divorced. We have had a few days of being able to see each other because H was out of town with friends, and our time pretty fun and full of laughter. Until yesterday when I learned that my brother had lung cancer. I needed a hug, to be held, to have her be present. We were having dinner at a local restaurant and in walked a couple that she and her H were friends with. She bolted out the side door not wanting to be seen with me. She didn't want to explain why she was having dinner with a friend. With me. When we left the restaurant and ended up elsewhere my appetite was gone and my heart felt trampled. I told her that I want and need more from a relationship and that I wanted someone to slay dragons for me. She said that she wasn't stopping me from meeting someone else and that I just needed to put myself out there. For the first time ever, I said perhaps we should just be friends. The truth is however, and she confirmed this last night, that if H found out we were seeing each other again (he told her to stop 8 years ago and we have not), she wouldn't see me again. That is not a friendship.
Today I am feeling so incredibly alone and so incredibly stupid. What part of me is so broken that I allowed myself to continue this relationship thinking there would be a different outcome? How do I manage and navigate the emotions that are flooding in.....the pain and the anger? Most importantly how do I make it stop so I can be free? There clearly is no space for me here.