Post by christalite on Sept 21, 2017 12:28:11 GMT -5
I really am struggling here not to contact my mgf during the no contact phase. We agreed to meet in the end of October. Where I am coming from right now, I just so want to know if this relationship is salvageable. If it is not then I would rather just get over the hurt and move on. Now I feel like I am in limbo at least with her. She needs to decide whether or not she can leave her husband. I have come to the conclusion I need to move on from my husband and starting to take the steps to make that happen like getting my finances in order. That was apparent this past weekend when H wanted sex and it was so horrid I almost cried. I just can't go on that way. But if my mgf has decided to stay in her marriage thereby ending our relationship I would rather know now than to prolong the unknown for the next month. I hate being in limbo. So do I wait until we meet or do I text now and find out so I can get over this internal turmoil. I already have the difficult task of disentangling myself from the marriage. We have been in the no contact mode for a month with one month to go. I want her but if she chooses her marriage over me I would rather know now than to hold out hope for another month.
Post by coppersgirl on Sept 22, 2017 7:26:21 GMT -5
I'm going to counsel wait. I know it's hard, I know it sucks, but honor the agreement...even if in a month it does end. Right now you have enough to focus on with taking your own next steps for YOU. I'm willing to bet she's finding it just as hard and helping her determine what she really wants and needs in life.
Post by christalite on Sept 22, 2017 8:31:54 GMT -5
Thanks Coppergirl. That is what I expected you to say. That is what my therapist says, that is what my sister says. But I am holding out this hope and is it false hope. Ugghh!! We did break on good terms. Going through this I have all this excess energy. I am putting it to good use to lose the thirty pounds I need to lose. I lost ten already. Hey a positive.
I agree...wait. Another month is not as long as it seems. Focus on you!! Way to go with the weight loss. I hope you are doing it in a healthy way and not by stress alone.
My comments on her mindset during this month is that I am positive she is feeling just as horrible waiting. She is likely struggling with "what to do", too. Everyone has to make their decisions based on their perspective, own feelings, and their specific situation as it comes. Moment to moment. And nothing is ever permanent.
Day by day. Baby steps. Focus on you!! Let go of the outcome!!! Do the things you need to do for you. If it works out, fantastic. If she's not ready, then cross that bridge when you get to it. You'll be more confident of yourself and understanding of her choices as you make your choices for yourself (what do I need to do, today, to move forward and feel okay?) and not choose based on the "what if's". No one knows what the next day (or moment) will bring? I think some call it living in the present. Not getting mired down in the muddy past but also not becoming "frozen" by the unknown future.
Good luck. Wishing you all the strength and courage to put yourself first. A
I love my C very much and I ache to speak to her, hold her. But I find that the times I want her most are the times when the pain is so great in my life that I am desperate for comfort and distraction. It's not really about her.
You are becoming overwhelmed by the gravity of what you are about to do, and it may be causing you to want to reach out and put that pain somewhere else. When really, it's clearly pain about your marriage. Those tears were for the marriage. But if she rejects you, then it can be pain about that rejection instead. And somehow deep down that might feel easier to cope with than sitting with the tragedy of leaving your marriage. Because ultimately, even though you love her, your marriage ending is the bigger storm.
I do this all the time. I avoid grieving my XH by grieving her instead. While ultimately, she is who I am currently in love with, and I'm not in love with him that way anymore, the years and investment and sweat and tears and children and illnesses and surgeries and homes we made memories in- all of that loss that needs to be grieved is grief is about him. And when I get too close to feeling it more than I think I can handle, my instinct is to reach out and mess with her world to keep my focus off of it.
Hope that makes sense. Only way through it is through it. This isn't her pain or her responsibility. This is your grief to process.
Post by christalite on Sept 22, 2017 12:28:06 GMT -5
Dang Mariab, You do hit the hammer strait on that nail. I do remember when I felt us falling towards our breakup that my first thought was dang, now who will be there to fill this space of a marriage and life I do not want. I immediately felt panicky and wanted to fill that void immediately. It felt empty, someone who i was counting on to alleviate the pain of my marriage was not there. Realistically, even though I have known her for over 3 years I have never lived with her. I have never had to deal with the day to day that a marriage is. How would that feel? How would that smell? How would that work? Would it be different? Would I fall into the same ruts as with my husband? Always thought provoking Mariab. Still thinking.
Post by christalite on Sept 26, 2017 17:07:38 GMT -5
Okay, I need some advice. As it states above I am in a no contact phase with me mgf until the end of October. She texted me today. She texted, "Hoping you are doing okay". Do I text back or do I wait until the no contact phase is done? Not sure what to do.
Oh wow. I know that's hard, christalite. If you haven't responded yet, I applaud your strength of conviction. If you have, know that I probably would have, too. It's not the best reaction, but I know how much you've struggled with the no contact. I'm not really sure what the "right" thing to do is besides honoring your agreement. You may be able to respond simply by saying you're okay but that it's best y'all give the full no contact time it's due. Maybe say you are getting ready for that October meeting and hoping you can come to some conclusions about what to do next. I probably would not explicitly tell her what decisions you've made in order not to fully influence her own choices; you both need to be ready and free to move forward each by your own will and not "for the other person ". If you respond, be brief. Stick to your plan. It's a slippery slope. Be careful. Be strong. October will come. Focus on you. We are all here for you sending support and understanding. Let us know how it's going. A
Also re-read Mariab's post above that you liked. It works from your MGF's perspective, too. She may be reaching out to you now to deflect some of the pain and conflict she is going through in her M. But that's her pain, her battle, her issues that need to be resolved by her and her H.
Aw she can't stand it, either! This is great news. She loves you something fierce. It's okay to celebrate that. You were worried that you were the only one battling with how hard it is to stay apart, and she is in the same boat. Soak in the love.
Also- I'm totally hopeless when it comes to my C- the only way I stay away from her is my belief that it's what she wants. She asks for space and I give it to her, because I love her. But every time she contacts me it's exactly like that- "hope you're ok" or something small and I just turn right into honey on the spot. Love is powerful and I don't pretend otherwise. I am no freaking hero.
Okay I completely agree that she is doing exactly what I advised you about up top- she's getting super uncomfortable at home and contacting you most likely to get her mind off it. And you know how that feels.
If it were me, I would not have contacted her because she is the one who decided on the break and I would respect that, and manage my own struggles. But in this case, where she has reached out, I would tell her you are making plans to leave H (because you are) and that you want to be with her (because you do). That's been what you've been wanting to do this whole time, and at this point why not? She is the one who wanted the break and you respected it, tough but you did it, and now she is the one who broke the silence. She's asking if you're okay, and that's the answer. You miss her so much it's forced you to examine your needs and you've come to new conclusions. If you (or she) wants to return to the plan after this talk, that's okay too.
Boundaries and space are important and I treat them with the utmost respect. If someone behaves as if they don't want me around or tells me they need a break, I try my best to follow that to the letter. But when they reach out, I'm of the mind that honesty really gets us where we are going with the most efficiency. Tough to do, but wow, a straight shot to the real stuff.
Post by coppersgirl on Sept 27, 2017 6:41:55 GMT -5
I think she is going through a lot of the same things you've been going through and for whatever reason she needed to reach out to see if you're ok. I think it's ok to reply with something light. "I'm ok. Hope you are too. Only xx number of days till we can talk again." That way she knows you're ok, you're not blowing her off, and you're reminding her of the no contact but you're waiting for contact day to talk.
I should probably clarify, I just realized this might not be automatically assumed- I would respond with something small "I'm doing okay, I miss you." Something along the lines of social normalcy, haha!
But typically these conversations move forward and from there I would let things flow honestly. When someone is reaching out to me and I have something I want them to know about the way I feel... life is just too short. We never know what will happen next.