Hi t , I can't help on this subject.. but I know if my husband excepted that our physical relationship was over , I could continue to be intimate with my gf and share a part time relationship with her ... if she wanted that . She doesn't ... and he won't .., so it's not an option .. and I have to make a choice.. I love them both ... in completely different ways... it's taken me a long time to admit that truth to myself... and now I have to find peace with that .. and ultimately chose ... it's tearing me apart x
Post by tattercoats on Jul 23, 2017 13:38:13 GMT -5
It's agony, isn't it jess.
I'm trying to think of every way I can resolve things for the kids, for me, for him... and I keep drawing blanks everywhere. It's a toss-up between my mental health and what I should do to keep everyone happy. I bravely asked him about the possibility of an open marriage and he said not while I'm financially dependent on him. He says I'm fooling myself if I think open marriage will lead anywhere but divorce. 😔
I did and it definitely led to divorce. If I had been honest with myself I knew I was looking for "her". And when I found her it was all but over. I've known quite a few couples in open marriages and I only know of one who are still together, and that's because they left the lifestyle. I'm certainly not speaking for you, just myself, but I suggested it to my XH because I thought it was the least painful way to get my "woman fix". The truth is, there is no easy way to fulfill that yearning if you are married. The journey is certainly not for the faint of heart!!
Post by tattercoats on Jul 26, 2017 1:54:32 GMT -5
Thanks for replying, Liz.
I am wondering if I am simply avoiding the truth this way: that I'm gay. I've been waiting for this gay phase to pass, but nothing has charged since I became conscious of it about 3 years ago. In fact, life suddenly makes sense if I'm gay.
I guess my question, then, is: how do I survive a mixed orientation marriage while I am financially dependent on him and we have small children? And how do I survive without sacrificing my mental health in the process?
You only have to survive your marriage if you believe that is your only option. Fear will always tell us that we are helpless and there is no way forward. Thinking about what I would sacrifice just to be in a home and a relationship where I could be myself all the time- that got me excited about considering other options, even if they were intimidating. Pretend that there are paths to a good future that are simply hidden from view, probably in the places that you are the most scared to look. Theres no hurry. But humans are very resourceful. Have faith in your ability to adapt.
Also, there are many many happy open marriages. I don't think the happiness of a union is dependent on the structure but rather the people in that union. Sounds like in this case, it isn't what you really want.
I definitely considered an open marriage- despite how clearly that would not work for my conservative XH and the intense feelings I had for my C. An open marriage isn't typically based on one person in particular, and has a hierarchy that honors boundaries etc. I knew my feelings for her would quickly undermine any boundaries I tried to set for my XH. Not to mention that he would never be okay with it. But thinking about it simply illustrated how desperate I was to change my circumstances and how terrified I was to leave my marriage.
Tattercoats and Jess, are we in similar places right now. . . My husband wants me to make a decision. I presented the situation as I'm questioning my sexuality a week and a half ago. I just blurted out the words because I wanted him to stop trying to do everything in his power to make us right. . . Now, after a week and a half of sleeping apart, he I cannot handle it. We're still under the same roof and he goes from 0-100 every minute of every day. He ultimately wants us to be together but wants me to leave asap if that isn't an option. He expects me to have it all figured out by now because he can no longer deal with the uncertainty. . . So, for me, it's game time, time to step up to the plate. I'm not prepared but I have to do it anyway. . . Are y'all at the decision making phase as well. . . I feel like this is when the bandaid must come off, as painful as it is, for the healing to start. . . I am here to support you. Hugs, light and love. Stay in touch. You are not alone in this struggle. And the struggle is temporary. Remind me and I will remind you. XO
Post by hidingmyheart on Aug 2, 2017 22:12:47 GMT -5
If this helps... I had that talk with my husband February a year and a half ago. He gave me time to "figure things out" which took us to about June/July of that year. We started the process of separating (seeing a counselor to figure out what steps to take...) around December. It is now August, a year and half later and we are still under one roof but close to securing our new living arrangements. My point being... THIS TAKES TIME. And he needs to be made aware of that. Pressure to figure "you" out and/or pressure to "leave" so quickly seems unfair and dangerous for your emotional well-being. I am still not at some kind of full acceptance and understanding of my sexuality but at least by now he knows enough to know that it does not involve him. So your own personal process may take longer than he or even you would expect. I kept saying to him... "Look at (so and so celebrity that comes out later in life)!! They weren't even married and it took them until (insert age) to finally reach a point where they could declare their sexuality!" Also, leaving ASAP is a much more difficult thing to do then you may imagine. Unless you are earning enough to support yourself and have access to those financial requirements, it is quite a feat to be able to physically separate when you have a house and kids. That is the part that is taking us the longest... My suggestion would be to start seeing a counselor together and probably one separately too. It will make you feel like you are actively doing SOMETHING. I think we both found the experience enlightening. And she helped us to take baby steps so that we could get out of the stagnation. You're not even in that phase yet (though it probably feels that way). After many months, It can start to feel debilitating. So best to get started with someone to help you begin to sift...
My heart just hurts reading all of this as I've been going through some similar things. My husband always knew I was bisexual, so he wasn't shocked when I came to him to tell him I think I was starting to have feelings for my friend. I think now I take for granted how open he was to all of it. unfortunately my GF's boyfriend doesn't know and would not be open to it. She's been hiding this relationship from him the past year and a half, but knows if she wants to be with him long term she needs to stop hiding it. Her answer is to not tell him, but to now ignore her feelings for me and can no longer act on them. My husband and I have made it through a year and a half in this open relationship and I actually think we're stronger than ever now. It took so much time to figure it all out and there were times I doubted if I should stay married to him and only be with her. The past 9 months though that part became clearer. This situation sucks because her bf isn't even all that great...I know I meet her needs in all ways better than he can (he's not very emotionally present), but I can't be her everything. The hardest thing right now though is feeling broken hearted as I'm still loving my husband. That part feels so strange and I don't feel it's right to talk to him about this part although he's been so good about talking everything else through with me. For me, my marriage is the right place for me right now. I love him dearly, especially after all of this. A lot comes down to his confidence...to be able to share me as he has been and know that I won't leave for her. It helps that he adores her and sees how bonded we are. Now for me it's time to make my heart not love her anymore and that sucks. I'm not good at hiding my heart...I wish this was easier for me. This forum is so helpful not feeling so alone. This is all so confusing and sad.