Post by lavenderandroses on Mar 2, 2017 13:39:44 GMT -5
I am having a "I hate this day". I cannot see any positives to my late in life discovery of being a bisexual. It seems to be tearing my whole life apart. What is there to look forward to? Life as a single, middle-aged bisexual woman with zero experience of same sex relationships and precious little of heterosexual ones other than my marriage: fantastic. How do I even begin to move into a more positive place? And all because I met a woman who turned the key my locked door just with a smile and a look - who awakened a desire that I cannot seem to forget? Really? Is that possible? Well I don't like what appears to be behind that door. It hurts me. It will hurt my children. And yet I find myself changed...I did not choose these feelings that surged up like a mighty ocean swell.
And all around me I feel sad and queezy when I see so many images of happy heterosexual love: marriages, engagements...I was part of that once and happier with the illusion of my heterosexuality than with my current state of life.
Post by stuffandsurrendering on Mar 2, 2017 15:43:13 GMT -5
You do have to grieve a death in this process. The death of your life and dreams and expectations and everything you thought you knew...and the loss. oh my god, the loss is real. Let it be honored. Do not deny that person that you were as important and that life you had as something you needed as you progressed on this journey. And those people in it. They matter. They are there for a reason. It's important.
It's dark but let yourself go there and feel everything while still taking hold of that outstretched hand that is there for you. Put your hand on your heart and know other's hearts burn with you. Tomorrow it will be different. This will change.
Don't try to control, coerce, or define anyone else's grief in this process. Let it be theirs to have. It is not yours. Only stand with them. You can't even control your own. Roll into it with compassion. First for yourself. Please. If you give it to yourself, it can be there for others. And compassion for everything. For your anger. For your outrage. For your wish to go back. For the knowledge that you can't. Compassion for the truth. Then follow it.
What is this journey really about? I don't know. But this is a part of mine.
From Jaya the Trust Coach:
"Trust yourself. Trust your impulses away from something/someone that others tell you you should value or give the benefit of the doubt. Trust your impulses toward what/whom you know you're drawn to that others think is a bad idea. Know you're not devaluing or harming other human beings if you need to move away from them--just following what's right for you. You'd be devaluing yourself by ignoring what you know. You don't have to fully understand your toward/away from impulses: just trust them. If you need to know the why of it, you'll come to see it in time. Right now, trust yourself."