Post by paintedrocks on Nov 21, 2016 7:31:20 GMT -5
"What I've learned since is that fear kept me there when it wasn't real, limiting truth and freedom which brings true joy. Fear also made me feel that I would destroy my kids when, in fact, our family is stronger and more intimate and my kids have become exceptional human beings from the process of both my ex-h and myself coming out and living the truth and being authentic. "
That's really helpful, Louie May. Thanks for everything you write!
Post by lavenderandroses on Nov 24, 2016 17:53:48 GMT -5
I wanted to add something about fear. I really do fear being disbelieved by my family about my sexuality...and I can picture myself being thrown into greater depths of self doubt in such a scenario and a feeling of being mentally unwell. May be that seems a very strange thing to think, but that is what runs through my mind. On a practical level, I fear being unable to cope financially.
Again that fear about not being able to support one's self is a lie told to women to keep us in our places. You are a competent, intelligent, capable woman, but you don't really know that yet. You will find out when you move from thinking into action.
As for your family, they may well deny. You also don't owe them an explanation, not do you need their approval - you may want it, but you don't need it. Coming out can also be a process of learning to support yourself emotionally. It takes time, but it will move you into a new level of maturity. Read codependency books, books about people-pleasing. If you suffer from anxiety, I heartily recommend "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. You are not alone.
Those are ligit fears lavender. I had those as well and it's absolutely warranted because I dealt with both things.
I did walk around for a while saying to myself, why do I have to do this? Maybe I'm just crazy. And my family went through a process of fear and grief and disbelief and denial. They didn't want to have to deal with my stuff which is really reflecting back to them their stuff. So friends and family say all kinds of ridiculous things to you during this process. Surrender to...I don't know. And then keep following yourself despite the unknown and fear and outside doubting of your loved ones. My family wanted/wants to blame someone. That happens too. It's because of sin, or the therapist, or someone taking advantage of you, or in my case, my gay xhusbands fault (like it's catching or something 😉) Once you can come out a little more, you will find your gay people too and it will feel right from the inside out. There are so many of you latebloomers over there in the U.K. Perhaps you can join together? For support?
I was behind in the career area because I really made myself accessible to my kids and I had worked in a field that I didn't enjoy to do that and didn't want to continue there. So I used that experience but still had to start from the bottom of a new industry. It's okay to do that. Choose something you enjoy. Life's too short to work somewhere or do something you don't like. If you aren't there now, open yourself up to all possibilities and keep looking. You may have to go back for more education. Those opportunities will present themselves to you. Stay active and open and then relax, having a faith in the process and knowing the right things will come for you at the right times. I'm still perhaps a little behind where I would like to be, money and career wise, but I'm catching up.
It works out when you do the right things for yourself despite the disparaging comments and opinions of others. I just finished a masters degree that I loved but that wasn't very practical. And family and friends and associates have said, what are you going to do with that? I'm once again back to...I don't know. But I'm fine and I like where I have landed. And something did come of it but I think perhaps more will come at some later point. It's a mystery. It is okay to not know everything. Its okay to take a walk in the dark. Those are the places you will find yourself truly. And soon you won't need anyone else's approval. It's going to be okay.
Last Edit: Nov 25, 2016 9:13:27 GMT -5 by louiemay
Post by lavenderandroses on Nov 25, 2016 14:18:32 GMT -5
You are very grounded, LouieMay. I guess it's about little steps and that can be said of moving forward with many things in our lives. The whole is totally overwhelming and so we can't tackle it all at once. I will keep trying to make each day count.
Post by lavenderandroses on Dec 1, 2016 1:49:28 GMT -5
I listened to a very interesting interview with a woman, now 54, married to a woman, once happily married to a man for 20 years. If people are interested they can find it on BBC Woman's Hour 29.11.16 about 27 minutes into the programme. She comes across as very sane, matter of fact and honest. In particular it was interesting the way she said her marriage to a man had not been a sham and her thoughts about different life stages and the fact that she in no way idealised same sex relationships.