Post by taz on Nov 5, 2016 5:05:17 GMT -5
This morning, I'm not so attracted to...well, I am and then I'm not. It's confusing. Yesterday I was not attracted to my H...or any man, and then I was and then I wasn't. I have these feelings, wants, in waves and then "bam" all feelings disappear completely. There does not seem to be a constant. I'm fickle. I'm crazy...and I'm left to wonder. Midlife crisis? Hormones gone amuck? A latent heart?
No matter. This runs much deeper than how someone looks or whether a person is a man or woman. For me it has more to do with how I am treated, how I relate to and how "we" connect. Push me away, then pull me in...I'll push you away then pull you in. Shall we dance? Comfortable, uncomfortable, spinning around on the dance floor. Hear the music? If only the tune would suddenly stop. If only I could catch my breath.
There are two people in a relationship, full investment or one may only have one foot in the door with the want to run at any given moment...to the other side. I've seen both positions of this concept. The relationship does not thrive during this downshift. The kids know, the extended family recognizes unhappiness, great loneliness, and emotional disconnection. Why is there so much tension? Why can't we just appreciate what we have? Why can't we both surrender to the "now?"
In the end all that I want is to be appreciated, loved and connected to the person I am meant to be with. Today that is him...but tomorrow...now there is the question? The constant "what if" that is my clouding life and I suspect, clouding his as well.