Post by taz on Oct 31, 2016 5:55:57 GMT -5
Hi. This is my first post here. (deep breath) Well, here it goes...
For most of my life, there has been a lemon tree in the neighbor's yard with a limb that stretches over the fence and into our yard. I know that a tree is there, the evidence stands as I am constantly picking up lemons after they fall. I've hinted to my family that we have lemons but they don't quite understand something they can't see or relate to. Because I have always thought they belonged to someone else, I never felt I had the right to claim them as my own.
That is exactly how this feels. I'm married with children and I have lemons.
About ten years ago my husband reached a crossroad. He was having a most difficult time. I was pushed away or rather shut out of our relationship. He was angry, mean, he drank a lot, he left me to take responsibility for everything...kids, house, yard, with the exception of him contributing financially. Even that was falling apart for he was calling in sick to work a lot and faced the possibly of losing his job.
After failed conversations with him, I was driven to check his computer only to learn that he was living a dual life and seeking to hook up with men. He admitted as much to me, finally announcing at that point he believed himself to be bisexual. (Imagine, that lemon tree was actually his.)
Therapy for him, therapy for me, couples counseling, family counseling...sort through this, fold that...a hop, a skip and a prayer...we landed on the other side of a messy situation. Not necessarily happier for the journey but at the least, more honest. In the end I realized where we land, is exactly where we are meant to be.
Life went on. The thing is, we stuck together with things somewhat ironed out. I submerged myself in all of the information I could find about sexuality. I needed to understand him, I worked to understand me, how we fit or if we even did...fluid. So many questions, so many elusive answers...that led to more questions.
It's all so complicated. When we met, he followed tradition, I followed tradition. In the era that I grew up there really wasn't any room to question...sexuality... You stand in line with everyone else, going through the motions....say "I do," have children, a house, a mortgage, a lawn to mow, your life looks just like the neighbor's next door except maybe, more or less cats.
The thing is, I never questioned myself or why it was I held such a high regard for women throughout my life. My husband's struggles were in fact, my struggles in a similar way.
Above all I believe that when I make a promise to someone, I make a promise to someone. I'm in a committed relationship. Period. We built a life together but, BUT there's an invisible lemon tree that's constantly dropping lemons into my yard.
Initially I felt heartbroken that my husband stole something away from me when he admitted his truth, but the fact is, he also gave me something very profound as well. A recipe for lemonade. As a result, I've been writing lesbian romance novels and while penning those stories, I've been making sense of who I am. In the end, I've realized, there are many benefits to lemons falling into my yard. So I say, let them fall. I proudly claim my (recipe) stories and if those in my life do not appreciate me simply being me, too bad.
If I were to slap a label onto my brand I suppose it would be "bisexual." I have a sister who is a lesbian. Sometimes while hanging out with she and her wife I realize how rich life can be. They communicate on a level that is truly amazing. They put each other first, they love each other wholeheartedly. Home to them is a beautiful place with great compatibility. The grass on their side of the fence is much greener illuminated by a soft warmth from the sunlight above. Through her example I know that lemons are never to be feared but instead, embraced.
While I was sorting through everything with my husband I met a someone online. A beautiful person, a loyal, supportive person...who also has a husband, children and a comfortable life. I know in my heart that I must never seek her out in the real world. If I did, my promises would fall away and then I'd really mess things up for those who rely on me and for those who rely on her.
So here I am at my lemonade stand. Instead of knocking the beverage over with my elbow... I write stories, I explore in the safest way I can think of so as not to hurt or harm anyone else. I'm married, she's married and we pretty much talk about the differences in weather between the Midwest and the southern United States. There's a storm brewing though, an undercurrent of air that if we are not careful could possibly swoop us both away. So much has been said over the past ten years without so much as saying it.
That pretty much sums this all up. Lemonade...too sweet, too sour and at times very frustrating to handle...