Genesis, I understand your response. Don't you love how we insinuate tone through typing, and interpret it for however we feel. Being the MW it is very difficult to open up to your spouse. When I speak it's from a place of pain and beauty, I'm not at the point where I've been through it all yet. But everyone in these situations hurts. And she probably never thought this type of situation would arise when she married, I never saw this coming in my life.
No one sees this coming...and yes, everyone becomes devastated through the process of the straight married woman figuring out she's not so straight.
I'm only trying to help my fellow LLL see things more clearly. I come from a place of tough love not judgement.
She has got to stop the flirting. She has got to stop playing with fire. For everyone's sake. And I cannot make light of this situation because it F U C K S up people's lives in a way that you cannot understand until you truly walk through it.
Right now, she's at a stage when she can begin to take control over this. She can start to gain some true perspective and stop thinking of just herself. Slam on the brakes and get her ducks in a row before all hell breaks loose for both of them.
Step 1. Stop talking to other woman. Step 2. Get into counseling. Step 3. Open up to her wife.
She's teetering on doing this all backwards and dangerous. I'm trying to help her think her way through this with her head and not just her heart and emotions.
Genesis, I understand where you are coming from.. I don't intend to judge you but you may want to look at yourself and possibly things that have happened to you personally before you judge others.. Thank you for your input although I would prefer you keep the negativity out of your comments.. You have no idea what each and every one of us (individually) have gone through and continue to struggle with.. this is not an open invitation to attack, so please keep your thoughts to yourself. thank you.
This conversation seems a little one-sided so I wanted to write the perspective of the MW. Or my perspective anyway. Most MW on this site who are reading everyday like it's water from a living well are in the middle of this thing. I'm through this part. I'm out. I'm divorced. It didn't work in my particular story with the catalysis relationship. So I've dated some and been through a few cycles. Living it. I barely survived it. I feel like I burnt my whole life and systems of my life down to the ground. But...I rose from the ashes. My family rose from the ashes. We are better people. We are stronger. We tell the truth more. We can do better work. We can help others' more. I want this. I am grateful for it. There is still grief and mourning. I don't know when the expiration date for that is. Following others, I can see that it becomes farther and fewer between. But the intensity stays. Maybe that's part of living a truer more beautifully-feeling life.
Helpplease - You are going to roll this thing out how you will. You are right. We all have our own journeys to live. We are individuals so we will proceed in a way that is fitting to that scenario. You are unique. She is unique. You have a lot to learn and so does she, like we all do. You will learn it in the way you will so that it will touch your soul with the knowledge of who you really are and what you are made of. I don't believe in mistakes. Things happen for the good of the teaching of the soul. For knowledge of self. But you will face the consequences of those actions that you are about to make. Either way. Whatever direction you go. There will be hard, brutal, the most painful, consequences ever felt because that is what this journey is. If you put it on the back burner and choose not to learn or go into this journey, it will just come back around in another pair of pants. This part is your journey and yours alone. It has nothing to do with her.
I would say to you, from the MW perceptive, be aware that you are in the power seat. I believe fully that it probably doesn't feel that way to you. Cause after all you are "just a girl, standing in front of...another girl, asking her to love you." Perhaps you feel pretty raw and vulnerable in this moment. But the moment that you talk to that MW, and she recognizes herself in you, she won't know what hit her. This is when the pain starts. Excruciating pain. She will cease to be that same MW that you know. Her whole life needs to be reexamined. This starts her on a journey now that connects her with you and your journey but will have nothing to do with it.
This is an individual path that we must all walk if we want health and wholeness and self knowledge. Someone mentioned Liz's story on here. It's a beautiful story. I love it too. And I love them. They are beautiful women. But it was no fairytale. I won't tell it. She can if she chooses but it was years of brokenness and struggle to get where they are. They just got lucky enough to come out holding each other's hand.
The last thing I'll say is that I believe in honesty and in telling the truth. As much truth as you know and can stand to tell should be told. That's what gets you to the "right" places for you. I believe in integrity. Integrity about who you are and to who you have relationships and interact with as partners, kids, friends, associates, and so on. Those beautiful souls deserve that. And I believe in love. In the individual kind with some romance but also in the Universal sense. We need some more love.
LouieMay, Your post is beautiful. I am the MW about to leave and the way you put this journey into words is so perfect. And yes, the recognizing myself in my C....sigh, boy you know this is the craziest pain to be felt.
I'm really glad you reached out to helpplease and put it the way you did. It will help many. Kindest, kdaisy
Thank you LouieMay, it's great to hear from the MW perspective.. Lots of great advice to think about. Thank you for this. I have almost given up a number of times. The struggle she is going through is real, I can see that. it's just so darn painful. I am thinking more of her feelings and things that need to be ironed out on both of our ends. There's been nothing physical, but the attraction, the catch my breath crazy butterflies feelings keep me thinking there is absolutely something there for us both. Love this "just a girl in front of another girl asking her to love you".. absolutely.. Raw and vulnerable for sure. I will re read your post.. probably have a few questions. Having never been married to a man I can only imagine the struggle my friend is going through. I have thought a time or two about backing down, not wanting to hurt her happy home.. BUT she reels me right back in..
I am getting closer to talking with my wife.. we had an aha moment last night. my friend is leaving town and posted something on FB about her house going on the market.. the expression on my face showed the obvious pain in my heart.. W saw the anguish in me, and immediately started teasing.. I just went to bed early.. cried and fell asleep.. opened the door to discussion tho. I will talk with my wife when I find the words.. Not wanting to hurt her either, but honestly don't think we ever connected like my friend and I do. don't we all deserve butterflies??? even tho they diminish over time, it's great to have them in the first place.. haven't had these since I was a teen.. (many years).. lol
Yes. Everyone deserves butterflies. Pretty sure everyone here knows exactly or has experienced exactly what you are writing. When those truths come up to the surface to see, you are unable to not want them. That's ligit and understandable. It might be biological it's so strong. Maybe it's mystical. Maybe it's "meant to be." Whatever it is, it's shining a bright light on your life to see what you are missing. And it's okay to want something different for yourself. That's really not the issue.
I suspect that you love your wife. And have enjoyed so many aspects of your life together. You have meaning and family together. This is not different from all of us who have discovered ourselves as MW. Many of us enjoyed so many aspects of our life as well. We thought we loved our lives. It just becomes very apparent that it's not necessarily living to the fullest authenticity and intimacy possible. I don't think there is a difference here between us as MW or LLLs.
But what everyone above is trying to help you see is that your wife, that you have a history with, a family with, a life with, deserves the first acknowledgment of these feelings you have. I suspect you are going to want to remain friends and as closely connected with her as possible. That will be nice because you have kids together. That will be an uphill battle if you don't tell her the truth first and she feels betrayed. Honesty. It's hard but so important. Because she is going to look you in the eye and you are going to see and feel her pain. And it will knock you to your knees. And your kids' pain will be your pain. This isn't a journey for the weak. Know when you see her pain that she also deserves to be loved with "butterflies" and passion and that you may be making a good choice for both of you. But for a while, you are going to become the motherf**cker who wrecked the whole family. It doesn't matter what that MW ultimately does with this new (or not so new) knowledge of herself. Perhaps it will work out between you. That would be fabulous. Regardless of whatever ending, the truth is the truth. But for now...if you turn into yourself and face yourself and your wife, you will retain that integrity that will help carry you through the really, really, really, 1000 really brutally hard days. And there are many to come.
Last Edit: Jun 10, 2016 8:52:28 GMT -5 by louiemay
A little bit of advice. When you do talk to your wife. Make sure you do not drag the OW into the conversation. You may think it's about her, but keep in mind it's really about your marriage and what's not working for you and your unhappiness and dissatisfaction in it. This OW represents an awareness in you. Do not make it about her. Stay focused on you and the issues at hand.
I still strongly suggest separating yourself from the OW before you make any decisions to help clear your head. Your heart is already gone, but your head might still be there a little. Your choice there.
You are not in an easy seat. Here's a little more advice. It's important for you to stay true to yourself. Stay connected to you as you journey through this with the MW (if it comes to that). It's easy for the LLL to play the role of savior, but you will be going through your own heart wrenching experience with the loss of your marriage and life as you know it. Your marriage, your wife and your family is a huge part of your identity. Do not underestimate that.
If you shift your focus on just tending to the MW, you will become as lost as she is. Hard balance to work through. I don't have any answers there. Just words of caution. I think it's easy for the MW to begin to find herself and the LLL to lose herself.
Yes. I agree with the above. And also don't torture that OW with your presence for the next years to come. She deserves to heal and have space and find herself freely and safely. Because it will be an uphill battle for her to be able to let go and let someone else love her fully again.
If you go back, go back. Do it fully. Do it with integrity. Would your wife be okay with you on this space? Does she know where your heart and mind are? Are you still looking around at others? If I were the spouse, I wouldn't want that for myself. Be honest in your intentions.
Post by helpplease on Jun 10, 2016 11:00:49 GMT -5
Thank you Genesis and LouisMay for your kind words of advice. I have a long road to take, and lots to think about. I am taking things one step at a time and absolutely will talk with my wife before anyone else. SHE does deserve that. I do and have always loved her (we have years of history) This OW just came into my life like a hurricane. Not expecting it at all. NO signs that anything like that was ever going to happen.. but hit me like a bullet.. Sure my wife and I have had things throughout the years to work on but now in this other woman I see what life can really be all about.. We connect on so many levels.. She is just so upbeat and positive and beautiful inside and out.. I think I fell in love with her heart.. I have not done this ever before in my life and can hope not to ever do it again. Such a heart wrenching thing for all.. I know it would crush me to hurt my wife and children. I did break the ice last night and mentioned my friend to her.. It will take time.
I do think I should separate from the OW for a little while.. I think I'm doing OK then out of the blue another text or communication, and I'm pulled right back into her world.. A couple months ago I had vowed to separate myself from her.. caught her in a lie.. and she pulled me right back in..
The lying thing is weird. Try to objectively look at the lying. The last thing you need is a liar.
But I like how you recognize this: "Sure my wife and I have had things throughout the years to work on but now in this other woman I see what life can really be all about." Perhaps this experience came into your life to help you and your wife connect that way. But if this is the case, honor the OW and her heart and life and process by not being selfish and hanging on to both women. It's harmful. It's devastating. It lacks integrity and it's not the truth.
Like it's been said a bunch of times already, this is really about you and what you want and need for your life. It's all individual. Just do it truthfully and honor those in your life with integrity.
Last Edit: Jun 10, 2016 11:15:28 GMT -5 by louiemay