helpplease.....it is so easy to try to clear your mind of her or think maybe you can or try to focus on your marriage or what needs to happen...and then anything like a convo about the weather can throw you right back in a tale spin, right!?!? Boy do I know that feeling. My C has the best way of doing that to me. Wants to be friends until I get my marriage, etc figured out or doesn't want to talk at times, but she'll slip up and she has me falling all over again. Sigh.
Boy life is crazy. I am the MW, and I very much relate to your story. I wish you all the best!!! Truly, kdaisy
Thanks so much kdaisy.. The struggle is real, that's true. you completely get it.. I don't think my wife and I ever connected on the level me and my friend have.. friend is a MW and very much hot and cold. will talk to me all day about the weather and light stuff, and I'm back in love.. I'll do fine for a few days and those few words of encouragement throw me right into the tail spin.. you know it.. so confused. I love her and will absolutely make a commitment.. will wait for her. I know she doesn't want to hurt her H or children, but need something concrete to build on. I am falling all over again today.. so hard.. Not sure if I should back off a bit and not be so available?? Thoughts?
Good luck to you as well.. I hope your story has a happy ending.
Ahhhhh... my goodness, we have the same story but I'm the MW that my C was waiting for for months. In my situation, she doesn't want to talk right now. Absolutely S ME!
I fell in love with her, a connection that was so freaking fast and undeniable. I have been married for over 10 yrs, and never felt this way for my H.....EVER! I hurt and yearn and laugh and smile for her, and miss her every second of every day. We met online, hehe, totally crazy, supposed to be an awesome friendship, she backed out on meeting me twice bc she was having feelings for me and knew I was married and it wasn't right. After the first day we talked I counted the days til I heard back from her....and on and on it went. My H could actually tell there was something there before I could really put a finger on it myself.....but I'm don't fall fast, her being the exception. Well we met, only once in person and I can still feel her arms around me, sigh. We continued to talk daily for months, from morning to night, both fell very quickly, totally meant to be. Bc it's taken so long for me to leave my marital home, she has stepped away, she was hurting, becoming very depressed, losing grip bc I couldn't be with her until I was ready to leave my marital home.
She wanted me to leave my marriage for me, for all the problems that have been in my marriage for YEARS, and not for her. I have been the sheltered, controlled wife...put everyone else first, verbally abused, can't even believe I took it for so long, but when he's good, it's good. Ugh. She is so amazingly smart and centered and flawlessly beautiful to me. She has brought out beauty in everything to me and helped me smile and laugh again more in the last few months than I have in the last 10 years.
I am close to a move out day, about a month away and want her as my rock but I know that's not there right now. I am trying to stay positive and hope for a happy ending. I am a true hopeless romantic and planned so much with her. I also know she was so on board with a future with my children which was breaking her heart too . She would be the last person I would ever want hurting, but our situation brought so much pain and longing to both of us.
I hope once things on my end settle and I deal with the loss of my marriage, that we are able to reconnect, even as friends bc I want her in my life.
I wish I could give you good advice on backing off or not....it is the hardest thing to do. My C has asked for space and I find myself picking up my phone all the time. NOT GOOD! In order to sort out your marital home, stepping back might be good, or lessen the contact. Smile in your heart bc you know there is love to be felt and it's out there. That's what I do, I smile for her, I laugh at the things we've shared, and I sigh HEAVILY A LOT!!! But use the joy of what you feel and what you found to help you in the still of your thoughts and walks and your own time to help guide you.
Here is a quote I just love, and in this situation it is so very true.
I love this site, and the support it gives just talking it out. I'm here if you need to talk. Lord knows we all need a willing ear! kdaisy
Some things to ponder here. First of all, there is a difference between letting go and losing. Letting go of your MW friend to focus on cleaning up your side of the street is quite different from losing her, although the emotions may feel the same. You can tell her your need a break from the friendship to attend to some personal business, and ask her not to text. I recognize that this is a very hard thing to do, but if you don't, you are still being sucked into the romantic lies you're telling yourself. And every time you do that, you actually risk blowing up not one, but two families and losing not only her, but your integrity as well.
Secondly, if you get together (and that's a big if) without addressing the problems in your own marriage first - using the relationship to deflect from the problems at home - you won't learn the necessary relationship ss to prevent the same thing from happening with this new woman, ten years down the road when blush of romance is replaced by the mundane.
I want you to know I recognize just how hard this is. And life IS hard. It's not supposed to be any other way - although our culture implies as much. A wise woman once told me that feelings won't you, but not feeling them will. That little adage has helped me countless times when I've had to do the right thing. As women who have been out for a while and have more experience, we are tasked with being the solid one in these situations. That sucks, but it's the truth.
Last Edit: Jun 8, 2016 10:02:47 GMT -5 by Italiana
Oh, and one other thing I've learned the hard way over the years: There is no rule that says we have to maintain friendships when they become painful. I used to think I was a wuss for cutting off contact with women if they identified as straight but there was sexual tension involved. I'd rather be nice to myself now instead of beating on myself for the attraction. we're only human, you know?
kdaisy thank you so much for your help.. the emotional rollercoaster is quite the ride.. I pray for the best for your relationship. I can only hope we have the same success.. This is unlike any feeling I've ever had. I really fell for this woman.. She is the one pulling back. we both have lots of things to clean up. She loves her H and family, and doesn't want to hurt them.. My relationship has never really been fantastic not like the fireworks we have here.. I understand they do fade but to at least have them is amazing.. and not just the excitement of a new relationship. We've been doing this dance for nearly 2 yrs. Well, I've been having these feelings for her for that amt of time.. bit shorter period for her.. actually not sure how she feels. I can see it in her expressions and actions.. She writes me when her husband is not around, so I know about the times we'll talk.. He has been traveling for work so we'll talk during the week. never on the weekends.. like today.. she texted me very early but after about 8 nothing. H must be up.. He is the BIG BOSS of the house.. sort to speak. She's been ok with letting him make all of the decisions, but not a weak person at all.. just it's the way it's always been with him. I am the decision maker here at home too.. for the most part.. my wife is a bit distant. so it works. FOR NOW..
I just love the quote.. So very true.. I am going to give her the space I believe she's asking for.. it's a very complicated thing (as you know).. we can get through this.. all signs point to us having some pretty deep attractions towards each other and lets see where we go from here.. like first loves you know?? all brave behind the safety of your phone but when it comes to seeing one another we're scared, and aloof... butterflies but don't want to show too much attraction. lots to think about.
You have amazing strength to move out and conquer your fears. I am hoping she and you can reconnect and if not you have a happy, wide open world out there.. I can only hope you will not have to miss her another second.. I know exactly what you mean.. I am praying that she is waiting with open arms for you. I am loving this site.. So much great advice and lord knows I need it.
I am almost afraid to be honest with my friend.. Fearing the worst, but it may be just what she's waiting to hear.. ME to get off my butt and make a real commitment.. not wanting to hurt our friendship or have her feel really uncomfortable with me I have kept quiet about my true feelings. Should I tell her??? It's a risk I'm not sure I am willing to take.
but it may be just what she's waiting to hear.. ME to get off my butt and make a real commitment.. not wanting to hurt our friendship or have her feel really uncomfortable with me I have kept quiet about my true feelings. Should I tell her??? It's a risk I'm not sure I am willing to take.
I'm going to be straight with you:
You are being delusional.
Should you tell her??
Wake up, woman. You should tell YOUR WIFE!!
Tell your wife before you tell this other woman anything.
one more note kdaisy.. I get the when it's good it's good... referring to your marriage.. that's very similar to my marriage.. MY W is verbally abusive, and has said she wanted to leave me a number of times.. although she says this and then does nothing. things go back to the norm.. which is usually pretty good unless I do something to make her upset. We don't always see eye to eye on raising the kids, or some other things.. she gets mad at me.. so this is what comes out... occasionally she says I'm leaving.. AND STAYS.. so I don't believe it anymore... stinks really.. I haven't shared this with my friend.. she can see that we have a strain in our relationship for sure.. just thought I'd add this little bit... not sure why any of us stay.. we're good people and put up with such nonsense. it's usually good but when it's bad, we're done.. control thing, I guess.. who needs that crap?
If you'd like to PM me, please feel free. It is very difficult being in a place where you are in a binding marriage and feel out of control between your head and heart over someone else. Torturous, really.
I NEVER saw falling in love with this beautiful gift of a woman, but so thankful for her, it's immeasurable. I think regret is intense in my situation, as I regret hurting her and not moving along sooner, but I'm a thinker, hard to make changes and ridden with fear, even if it's for myself and for a better start. There are so many factors when children are involved. I know in the end if mommy is happier, they will feed off of that and be great. The things they've heard my H say to me over the years are just disgusting to repeat .
I once freaked out to my C bc I was afraid I couldn't be enough for her bc all my H has torn me down with, but now I realize it's not me. I am totally enough for someone, just being me, being me with all my silly habits and traditions, and singing and dancing and laughing at my favorite movies I watch over and over again, lol. And THAT is an amazing gift to give to someone. Gosh I love her. Sigh.
Oh shoot, what was your question, lol!?!?!? Oh right, should you tell her. If you want to and if you can find the right words that if you re-read later and it touches your heart, but I guess be ready for whatever may come of it. And as others pointed out, be honest with your wife. I have tried talking to my H about my feelings/attraction, etc with great difficulty. My only answer is to set myself up to leave and risk it all for me, myself and I.....as crazily scary as that is.
I have read soooo many posts on here I have given myself numerous headaches, but try finding my answers in still and silence. I carry others stories with me. I have shared success stories with my C before, especially one woman who's been with her C for 5 years, engaged to marry....that was always a concern of my C was that she wanted hope that it would last for us. I have no desire to even try to find someone else after I leave my marriage, I want her for my first and everything. Did I mention I am a hopeless romantic, sigh. I'm sure you can tell.
Again, PM me if you'd like to talk how ever freely about your thoughts. I absolutely don't mind being a sounding board.
thank you so much kdaisy. I know there are many people who do not understand this struggle.. Not that we would wish this on our worst enemy, and if I could make it easier I absolutely would. You understand, I'm sure that these things are delicate. I may just take you up on the PM.. thank you... You have to do what's right for you and if it was never right and you're just going through the motions then it's time.. and only you know it. Need to both be in the marriage. can get very one sided.
I am hoping your C will be waiting with open arms. I don't know her, but know how I would feel and that you made the big plunge for you.. life is beautiful and to be lived.. and if you are lucky enough in this world to find true love go for it... (kind of a romantic myself)..
My wife is aware, I'm sure of it.. haven't come right out and said the words yet.. it will come. and nothing before that. But when I do speak with my friend I will use your advice.. write things down and see if it touches my heart.. needs to be straight from my heart.
I read the one about the C for 5 yrs and engaged to marry.. beautiful story.
Perhaps you missed my support. I've been trying to support her. When you lie to your spouse, over and over again, you are not only hurting your spouse, you are also hurting yourself. In my opinion, it is cowardly to do so knowingly. She is choosing to deceive her wife. She acts as if she has no choice. She has ample choices. She's been in her own words "dancing" the dance with this woman for 2 years. Enough of that already.
I'm not here to tell people what they want to hear. You can support someone and tell them straight up truth that they are behaving badly. And she is behaving badly.
She is doing wrong by her wife and family. She is doing wrong to herself. Doesn't take a genius to see that. She is also going blow up this other woman's life before cleaning up her own business. We learn by others mistakes.
She can learn from our mistakes, but we don't have to make everything all pretty to be supportive. Sorry.
And that was a legitimate question. Do you have the guts to be straight up with your wife regarding your feelings for this other woman?