I think you are being really brave and your persistence will pay off. Stay strong and keep going. You will reach through to freedom at some point.
The parenting of your mom isn't healthy. She is making your life about her and not thinking truly about your happiness. Keep that in mind as you proceed in your interactions with her. I have four adult children out of five, 25 to 18. I don't speak with them this way. I'm not attached to their life choices. I want them to be happy and I know this only comes from a person living her life separately and independently from parent's approval. They are strong and powerful and know how to move through life even if they get knocked down or have major disappointments. I am there for them but I don't say anything like your mom said to you. That kind of made my blood run cold.
Thanks Italiana for your encouragement and Louie May for your sage advice. It helps to see that my thinking isn't out of place, because my thought was that she is worried about how it will make her "look" rather than what's good for me. It will be difficult to move forward and I have some serious decisions to make about my living situation now, but I am first going to give it some time to settle in and see if it gets better. Also, I'm almost 32. I've been out of the house since I left for college at 18, but that hasn't stopped her from "parenting" me in this way all these years. When I mentioned going to therapy to try and dispel some of her fears and talk openly about the situation, her reaction was "did your GF tell you to say that when she coached you on how to approach to me?" Which she certainly did not, but my therapist has. It's all a mess. I simply want to be happy and true to myself, but I'm being made to feel like there is something wrong with wanting that.
Last Edit: Jun 19, 2016 12:53:32 GMT -5 by picasso6
Well, she IS worried about how it will make her look. Welcome to realizing just how flawed your mom is. It's normal, in a dysfunctional American family kind of way. The more fearful we are, the more selfish we act. I think you're doing great -- learning how to stand up for one's self is a necessary s if we're to have a life with any personal integrity whatsoever -- especially when you're queer. It doesn't come overnight. Like any s, it takes practice, practice, practice.
Yesterday my mother called my H, to take it upon herself to make plans for my son to see his other grandparents. She wanted to know what my H had told his parents before approaching them. My H called me right away to tell me, and also said that the convo led to them discussing other things, in fact he got her to agree to go to therapy. I'm glad they spoke but the planning my sons life part I felt like it was overstepping her boundaries and told her exactly that when she got home. I told her thank you for wanting the best for my son, and I appreciate you being there for the logistics, but I am the parent, and my H and i will decide when our son visits this other grandparents and work that out with them. She told me that I am in a cult, that I don't have the capability to set "boundaries" in this "condition", that I don't have the capacity to parent, and it's time for them to reconnect with my H's extended family so they can form together and protect my son. When I said that feels manipulative and you are sidestepping me as his mother, she said that me just saying that to her is manipulative in itself and I don't even realize I'm Manipulating everyone around me and that makes her sad. When I said I feel like you are pushing me away, she said, well I certainly hope it doesn't come to that but that's up to you. When I said thank you for agreeing to see a therapist, I will call him tomorrow and make us an appointment, she said NO *I* will choose the therapist that we see and I'll let you know.
I spent hours crying and talking to my H about our interaction. He supports me 100% in being gay and discovering this side of me (although also has strong feelings against GF over the affair part, questions her morals). I am in a vicious cycle of doubt and thoughts of "can I actually be brainwashed?" Logically it makes zero sense, and is utterly ridiculous, but being told I don't have the capacity to parent and that I need rescuing is making me question everything, my self worth is diminishing. Why is this such a struggle? how come no one can see my happiness as a positive thing? Is it actually not real? Is it all in my head?
Do you have an LGBTQ therapist? I hope so. I couldn't tell from this thread. Get one for yourself as soon as you can.
Just a warning about your mom choosing the therapist...there are bad, bad, bad therapists out there. Ones that have their own agendas with regards to gay people. They do incredible amounts of damage. A friend of mine just won this law suit against a group that allegedly cures gayness.
Post by helpplease on Jun 22, 2016 11:07:48 GMT -5
Hi picasso6 It's wonderful that your H supports you so well.. and that he would tip you off about a convo that he and your mother had.. I am so sorry you're forced to defend yourself to your mother because of your sexuality. you should absolutely have your own therapist and not let her choose one for you.. You need to stand alone.. I had to walk away from many family members who didn't approve for religious reasons and you know I am ok with it. It's your mom tho very hard to get around that.. And the fact that you live with her. and your son.. She needs to learn however that you are an adult with thoughts and decisions of your own.. Believe me no one decides to live like this.. it's not an easy life even today.. Follow your heart. You're in a great place for love and support.. I clung to those who gave me the support I needed and distanced from the ones who didn't.. Good luck..
Thanks guys for your advice. I recently spoke on the phone with the therapist that my H and I had seen throughout (I am no longer in that area), and her reaction was, in not so many words, this is ridiculous and almost laughable. It's just a very strange, old fashioned, desperate and selfish reaction from them. And has nothing to do with me or GF. More to do with appearances, my parents are not religious, but care a lot about their social status so that could be part of it, and also just blatant homophobia, which I never saw coming. My mom supports Bernie Sanders! One of the things they say about GF is she is a weird person bc she has short hair and wears more androgynous clothing (although I wouldn't ID her as butch at all, and neither does she). My T and I discussed how their reaction would differ if my Gf were different, and came to the conclusion that if this situation happened and she were a long blonde haired doctor, perhaps they wouldn't have near as much of a reaction. So messed up. She encouraged me to go to see a T with them, and offered to do some research on who it is before I agree to go. She is hopeful that as long as it's an appropriate professional, the session will go well, and that my parents will need to be the ones to go back many times, and I will be encouraged to keep being myself. Hopefully.
I texted my mother "please find a therapist for us to go to, and let me know who it is and we can work out when to go. Sooner rather than later" and she replied "are you ok? Do you need emergency help? It's ok sweetie, we will get you the help you need and we will do it together." I replied, I don't need help, I just want to talk all together.
So I think what I'll do is refuse to discuss anything about it at home, only breach the subject once we go to a T. And if they are unable to come to terms with it, I cannot stay there. I will find an alternative. Even if that means living off of my savings and credit cards for a while. I've got my armor on, but all the things that have been said still get me in my gut. I'm their daughter. After months of emotional abuse and personal attacks from my H, we finally came to a place of understanding, his anger subsided, and we are rekindling a friendship. I finally felt fearless and ready to be free and move on and come out! And now I've hit another wall that was totally unexpected, worse than the worse case scenario. But I'm not deterred. I am looking forward to my next post being a very positive one. Hugs to you all!
Hey picasso6, You are strong and brave and following your head and heart. Although your latest update is not fully positive, you are taking great steps to get the right answers and education and healing started. Too bad your previous therapist isn't nearby, she sounds like she'd be able to guide that discussion well. I do think it's sad that they can't see there is no emergency situation with you, and see your happiness....full, whole happiness with your GF. Everyone deserves that. I told my mom about my C a little over a month after meeting her and my mom was shocked for sure. But I told her that it doesn't matter the sex of the person. I deserve to be loved and happy and accepted for me without needing to change any of me for someone else. What does it matter who I bring to a holiday gathering if I'm respected and HAPPY!?!? Just as some of us had adjustment periods getting to the understanding that we have fallen, or are falling for someone of the same sex, they too have their own processing period. Some obviously longer than others.
And always remember, we are all here for you for anything. This Aj site is my bloodline right now, and I value each and every person here. Let us be your sounding block and support! Good or bad, we got ya!