Hi, I am married and so far it's going ok, but I haven't gotten into any kind of deep relationship yet. Just one hook-up a few years ago that I told him about. I have a few interests brewing and he has been supportive in me cultivating them... One, I know, will not work because she is bi but very hungry for a white house with a picket fence and a ken doll to mow her yard at the end of the day. The other is a very open minded musician/muse. She might work, but... who knows. The hardest part that I can see, will be the jealousy. He has a hard time letting me hang out with friends. I think it will work for a little while, but at some point, it will probably be like dating, where you come to a point where you have to choose someone and the others feelings get hurt. I don't know. I'm not at that point. I wish you all the luck. I know I'm gonna need it!
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
This is the life I am currently living. So far it has only been about 6 months since I have been involved with a woman. It is a long distance relationship and we only see each other every couple of months. I think that contributes to making it work. My husband also just met someone, yes, I am jealous to a degree, but no, not really. His girlfriend is also long distance. It is just so weird to type those words. All parties know about each other. And for now, it seems to be working. The future is highly uncertain.
Hi Marie, welcome. I am just going to say that while I briefly thought about asking my H for an open marriage. I did not, because I knew the kind of woman I would want to be with , would be unlikely to want to be part of such an arrangement. I also felt how much I already was "being tolerated" in the marriage and did not feel like having one more awful thing about me that H so Kindly allowed me to do (this included regular evening exercise and meeting friends, which he passively stopped me from doing while also deterring us from nurturing joint interests). I am separated now.
What I would say about your situation is that being a wife and mother is like being in a room of people screaming to get THEIR needs met, and we let our own voices be drowned out. Adding another adult, with all her own needs, into that room may mean even less chance for you to hear your own voice. I don't know how far you are in this journey but if it is early days, you may find it helpful to take some time to listen to your own voice.
My H has offered that if I need to have "flings," that's okay with him. But, as much as that is tempting, I feel that is playing with fire. Because I have never been with a woman before, I could see myself falling head over heels. It's too complicated already, and I know that successful open arrangements in any marriages are few and far between. Of course, every marriage is different and you know yourself and your H better than anyone. Perhaps this is best discussed within the course of couples counseling in order to untangle some of the complications and come to a place where things are a bit more clear.
I agree wholeheartedly with AC that we need to have the space for our voices to be heard - especially as having given so much as wives and mothers. This really is all about discovering our voice and staying true to its authenticity.
Post by norcalwondergirl37 on Jan 30, 2015 1:59:28 GMT -5
I want this to be possible so badly. I am so scared I would fall in love with her, or further out of love with my H. My husband assures me he doesn't feel threatened by me having physical relationships with women. I know it would seriously complicate our lives to attempt such a thing, I'm just trying to decide if I want that complication.
I think if the possibility had presented itself in the last year, lots would be different about my life right now - things have been rocky with my H for a few years. We are rebuilding "us" at the same time that I am trying to find "me" which feels very dangerous.
That feeling of uncertainty is probably one of the most difficult aspects of this journey. We are venturing into the unknown, and that scares me. But I agree that taking this day by day is the way to go. I wish there was a crystal ball to reassure each of us that we and our loved ones will be okay. After being married for longer than I've been alive, it is a gigantic undertaking to change or to view life through a "new" identity. Some days, it's an hour to hour ordeal. We are more courageous than we give ourselves credit. That we have arrived here is no easy feat!
Marie, I'm pretty sure most of us go through what you describe. I can remember when I was like that all the time for sure. There was one woman who came to the board, came out, left her H all within a few short months, but that is exceptional. I would really say, embrace those less comfortable times - as on the OITNB thread, this may be your first chance in your life to have that crazed "teenaged brain" thing going on. Or if it really bothers you, you can work with a T or alone on strategies to reduce your discomfort, like journaling or exercising regularly and telling yourself, that time is when I am going to think about that area of my life.
Post by rubydreamer on Aug 9, 2015 14:32:27 GMT -5
I know this post is very old but I am a new member, this is my second post and I am very excited to see topics like this!! I have felt very alone in this journey.
I was married to a man for 5.5 years and was not able to have my relationship with "Raven" (that's an alias she had used online a long time ago, I'll use this name to refer to her in case she doesn't wasn't her real name on here) and successfully balance my marriage. But the reasons for that were very complicated. My husband at the time knew beforehand that I was bisexual and that I had a "very close friend" that I had come to love and adore over time. Raven and I had attempted to be girlfriends before I met my husband, but we were not quite one the same page and we were trying it long distance and it just wasn't working. So we mutually decided to go back to being friends, but the romantic, flirtatious nature of our growing connection to each other continued to basically feel like we were girlfriends anyway. My husband knew this, and seemed okay with it at first... Until his jealousy took over. Basically whenever I was with Raven my husband felt like a third wheel, Raven hated him because he was very dominating, emotionally controlling and kind of a jerk to most people, and it was just incredibly uncomfortable. Both were threatened by each other. Ultimately my husband decided it was NOT okay for me to talk to Raven anymore because if Raven was not going to include him in our relationship as this three-way thing, then it was not appropriate and I had to choose either him or her.
Because I had made a promise to my husband that was definitely far beyond what I had established with Raven at the time (an official vow of legal marriage) I chose to try to comply with my husband's demands and stopped talking to her. But I felt so empty without her in my life. It felt unfair for my husband to kick her out of my life when she was there way before him, and that our relationship was at its core a deeply emotional friendship that satisfied needs within our hearts and had a rich history going back to the days when we were freshmen in high school. The romantic nature of our friendship was completely and totally normal to us and we just didn't understand why my husband wouldn't accept it. We have never had sex before, even now.
Eventually I started sneaking around behind my husband's back so I could talk to her, but obviously that was difficult and painful because I wasn't being honest with him and the guilt was horrendous. It caused a few fights between Raven and I as well. There were so many other issues that existed in my marriage other than his problem with a Raven, and eventually I did divorce my husband because my relationship with him was not stable, not healthy, and completely incapable of handling life's challenges together. About a year before I left him, during the period of time when we were talking to each other in secret, she met a wonderful man and married him (I couldn't be there for her wedding ;_;). Her husband immediately understood and accepted Raven's love for me and he is perfectly fine with us having our special relationship! I was so jealous that my husband couldn't feel the same way.
Now, however, I have been with a man for 2 years who is far better for me emotionally and spiritually, who ALSO completely understands my love for Raven. He as well as Raven's husband have both even said to us separately that if we wanted to have an intimate relationship with each other we could!! My journey with Raven has been a very beautiful adventure, but sex is not an experience we are ready for quite yet. For now it is a beautiful love we share, deeply affectionate with mild sexual flirtation, that exists within the framework of our happy, healthy relationships with our men. My boyfriend and I are looking forward to marriage and children, and including Raven and her husband in the joys of that.
For the first time in my life I feel perfectly okay inside with what I feel and who I love. I love a man, and I love a woman. She loves me, and also loves him. Everyone knows, everyone is fine, it's a beautiful thing!! My spirit feels so well-rounded and complete and I am truly blessed!
I hope my experience helps shed light on your struggle, and that perhaps by now you have come to a place where you feel completely okay with who you are inside and what you feel for your husband and your lady. Be proud of the love you are capable of giving, allow room for your big heart to thrive with these two beautiful people in your life, and let what is meant to be, be!! (: