I havent signed on here for almost a year. I was on here, years ago while coming to grips with realizing i was a lesbian. I didnt want to write for fear my mgf might read it and i wont want to expose her, either. We ended our relationship on Jan. 01, I was simply not up for the pain anymore. We were together for 6.5 years, through me leaving my husband, selling my home, buying my own house, getting a full time job and building my own life. I always said dont leave your husband for me, leave for yourself. But i really wanted her to want a life together. Over time, she had more grandchildren arrive and slowly she just found herself more drawn to her family, than to our relationship. She didnt have a physically intimate relationship with her husband, and i told myself that made it ok for me. Now i find myself angry, and sad. Some days are good, i feel free and light. I dont want to be angry with her, I want to continue to have a friendship, for us to be able to do things together. I want to behave with kindness and compassion, but holy moly do i get angry right now. Any one else have this experience?
I was the MGF, but I doubt I can tell you anything you do not know. As the MGF it is incredibly difficult to leave the heterosexual privileges. You feel as though by doing that, you will be responsible for the pain and upheaval it creates in so many other people's lives. It is terrifying, and a huge risk. It was the hardest thing i have ever done, yet also the easiest. Because I could not live that life any longer, it was painful. Such a tumultuous time....
I am so sorry that you have been left feeling angry. But it is fair enough. You made those massive changes, took those risks - with the hope and expectations that she would be with you. It would feel awful for you! I would be majorly pissed. My heart would hurt, my brain would want to explode! Go for it. Acknowledge the anger, and why you feel it.
Maybe the future can contain a relationship of some sort with her, maybe not? Just don't hang around in the hope anymore. You are worth more than that.
A true friend is someone who lets you have freedom to be yourself, and especially to feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to, letting a person be what he really is. Jim Morrison
"Now i find myself angry, and sad. Some days are good, i feel free and light. I dont want to be angry with her, I want to continue to have a friendship, for us to be able to do things together. I want to behave with kindness and compassion, but holy moly do i get angry right now."
A common thread on this site is women realizing that they ignored their same-sex feelings for years and years in consideration for doing the "right thing." Ignoring your feelings in order to be "friends" perpetuates this dysfunctional behavior. Explore the anger. Sit with it. Write about it. Learn the lessons it's trying to teach you. Worry about being friends later. Good luck to you.