Hugs to you! It's a tough place. I'm at my first set of holidays after separating with H and while I do long to be with someone special, I'm a lot less lonely than I was last year at a party with H. In the spirit of following my own advice, going to work with my kids to create a new tradition and I would advise you to get out there tonight if you can or look after yourself with a special pamper at home if you can't. She will be a different kind of lonely, and that will be part of her path for seeing what life she needs to build. The holidays are for taking one day at a time and thinking "18 months" is a hard thought that I would shelve for now - even though you do need to work out what you can bear in the longer run.
Tis is so the post I was looking for tonight. I'm in a similar situation but different too. I am married and my gf is married. We're both in the process of separating/divorce. Very strange to both be where we are. Both each other's catalyst and consider ourselves soulmates. I've written about my story elsewhere here on AJ so won't say much more here. But I can speak to this topic. Was able to spend 4 days with my gf before the holidays and just got to spend last night/today together. She is with family about 4 hours away. Given we are typically 1000+ miles away we had to capitalize on being so close. Really wanted to spend New Years together. It's her kids that's the reason we can't. Her parents/sibs know about us and our desire to be together and her separation/pending divorce as well as my pending divorce. We're both in it for the long game so couldn't figure out a way for me to spend time with her fam as her kids are struggling with the separation. Her kids know me as my gf's friend and we are hoping to keep that as clean as possible as her and her H prepare for divorce. Trying to give ourselves a chance. So that all sucks because we could spend New Years together under different circumstances. I just love her kids too so can respect that. And we're both miserable as a result. Her night will consist of lots of drinking to mask. We're both dealing as best we can. Saying goodbye to each other this afternoon was brutal. Hard. We're staying in touch via text/phone. My H is with his farm this year for the holidays as well so I'm on my own. It sucks. Never felt about my H the way I feel about her. We are both just so in it together. But trying to do this all right. And that means sacrificing the holidays this year. With hopes of being together next year when we're both on the other side of divorce, which will hurt us both deeply.
Tonight I'm planning on pampering myself. Take a bath, listen to music and maybe a beer. That's my relaxation place. Maybe have a good cry (also therapeutic). This year has been hell!! Though some good stuff, great stuff actually. Plan to journal. Good time to reflect on the year and think about the next. My gf and I will talk at some point and I'll look forward to that. We started referring to each other as "girlfriend" a week ago and that felt nice. Just figuring it out as we go. Then probably bed early. Not gonna wait for the ball to drop. 2015 is coming, no need to wait for it. Gonna be a crazy year. 2014 was one for the books. 2015 feels like one to remember. I feel like I'm entering 2015 as my full and best self and that excites me. I feel scared and unsure, excited, nervous, anxious, more loved that I have ever been (by myself and my gf) and more secure in myself and my sexuality than I have ever allowed myself to be (for myself that is. others will come later). Lots more to go but excited to have made it this far. And to find this incredible woman, yeah 2014 was quite a ride. Can't wait to see what 2015 has in store, bumps and all, it will be great. Feel like I'm finally living!!
Take good care of yourselves tonight. We all deserve a little kindness to ourselves. Tonight is as good a time as any.
Thank you, both of you! It feels wonderful to know that I'm not alone, even though our experiences are not exactly the same. I do recognize that I probably have the least complicated deal (compared to my MGF, I mean), since I had no previous commitments, but it still really hurts when I can't be with her. And the secrecy doesn't help either. Still, I am lucky: this situation won't last forever. And in the meantime I can find some comfort here. Thank you, once more, for responding when I really was feeling terrible.
Just over 2 years ago I posted here about how hard the holidays are.... Now, they are not. I moved onward, time passed, and this Christmas involved me, my GF our kids, my mother, and her exH. We had a fantastic time, her ex stayed here for a week. odd, yes, but just a story to remind you that as time passes and you take steps, they WILL move you forward. xxx
A true friend is someone who lets you have freedom to be yourself, and especially to feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to, letting a person be what he really is. Jim Morrison
Post by mistletoe42 on May 25, 2015 19:46:54 GMT -5
Hey there everyone Reading the posts here on this site reminds me over and over about all the wonderful things that I just love about women...the support, sisterhood, honesty, acceptance, vulnerability. So beautiful. I've been stalking this site for like 3 years now, and have posted replies here and there...and have had a few private conversations with some very supportive people. In the last 3 years, I have gotten a divorce from a man after having a passionate affair with another married woman, lost that woman (she wasn't ready to leave her husband), met a new woman who is also married (i know, i know....am i nuts?!), and completely fell head over heels for HER! She is now in the middle of the difficult conversations with her husband and discussing divorce. He knows that she is a lesbian and has know for about a year and a half. She has 2 grown children and has been waiting until the youngest graduates from high school to cross that next bridge of coming out to her kids. Graduation is approaching and I am watching her go through the crazy emotion of this process ( I have been with her now for over a year. We live 5 hrs. away and see each other as much as we can, which is not much. We talk, skype, text throughout the day every day. I hate being in this place and yet she is EVERYTHING I have ever dreamed of. I am praying for her to have courage. I want her more than anything!
Dear mistletoe, so lovely to hear you have this happiness in your life. I for one haven't forgotten you. Your story gave me strength to plow on through separation although I have a challenging child whose future sometimes scares me. Like amazingsweetness says, keep strong.
And for you, Pyl, with your "." If you are facing another holiday with her but without her....hugs to you. The timelines people talk about on AJ must be awful for an SGF to read. It took me a nearly a year and a half from me registering on AJ before I separated. I couldn't see any progress in my situation till I took the leap, but now it is clear that H and I were done long before, with signs I could not read till I left. Wish you strength and peace.
Post by mistletoe42 on May 26, 2015 17:36:26 GMT -5
Wow!!! Again, I think you guys are wonderful!!! You give me just the right kind of support that I need and have needed all along this incredibly heart wrenching but freeing journey. I am sooo touched, applecart, that you would remember me....really touched. I don't know your specific situation, but I also have a difficult "situation" with my 8 year old daughter and the unknowns of her future. She has autism. We are women. We are strong and beautiful and persistent.
And...amazingsweetness....I soooo needed to hear that!!!!! Thank you thank you!!! Even though I have ended up in another situation with a married woman, this one is very very different and there is not a doubt in mind that we will be together if I can be patient and strong. My fear from all that I have gone through creeps up on me sometimes and I get so filled with anxiety and resort to icky patterns of behavior that have helped me survive in the past. This woman is worth my patience and is everything I could ever want. Her way of being in a relationship with me has been part of a very powerful healing process (in conjunction with alot of other work on my part). There are moments when my anxiety and fear of abandonment is triggered so strongly that I want to go into self preservation mode...I have done that before and it never ends up well. I want to be strong. I want to have faith. Thank you sooo much!!!
I have a feeling I am going to need to be on here again to get me through this next phase of life.
Post by Amazingsweetness41 on May 27, 2015 7:42:15 GMT -5
Being aware of "why" you are experiencing feelings of fear and anxiety is more than half the battle. I am someone who was abandoned by a parent when I was 5 yrs old. Being abandoned is a deep wound that needs healing. I have done a lot of inner child work with my t on this. I've learned that when current situations would trigger the fear and anxiety it was not about what was going on in my life presently. Yes, current situations may have triggered the feelings but the situation at hand had little or nothing to do with the emotional and physical feelings that I was experiencing. They were feelings and emotions from the past. These feelings may still be coming up for you because they were never healed. They were stuffed down and not dealt with through the years.
For me to heal, it was gaining the awareness on when and why I was experiencing the fear and anxiety. When I recognized that, I let myself feel the sadness, fear, anger, dissapointment and anxiety. As I was allowing myself to feel all those feelings, I started to console myself as I would console another 5 year old that was going through this, I validated the emotions I was going through, I showed sympathy and compassion for myself, I did nice things for me, I became my own kind friend and I was there for myself. I came to understand being rejected by a parent had nothing to do with me and who I am as a person. It was not my fault my parent walked out of my life. I was not to blame. I was just an innocent little girl.
Change your icky old survival patterns, and replace them with healthier strategies as you heal. Practice positive self talk and self love. These wounds can heal, Keep going to your t if you have one, if not, it would be helpful to find a good one that does a lot of inner child work.
Mistletoe42, you may have heard all this before but I wanted to say it because even if there are a few words in this that can help you or anyone, it would be worth it. I can relate to your feelings and emotions because I've been there and I know how abandonment feels.
Sending you strength, patience and the power to continue to heal yourself.