Post by confusedbex on Jun 10, 2013 6:16:58 GMT -5
Hi, I am mostly out apart from my Dad's side of the family. Although I don't see them that often they are the ones I am worried about telling the most.
Quick background...I was with my husband until March this year. I left him because of things he did but now I have fallen for my friend and we are in a relationship. I think my Dad will think it is a phase because I have had a guy let me down. I don't even know how to begin to tell him. I kind of want to do it over the phone or by email because to go and see him would be an hours drive and if he kicks off then it's a wasted journey. I try to drop her name into conversations and he knew I went away with her recently.
I'm 50 and in a committed rlx with my partner of two years. I've come out to plenty of people, including my two adult daughters, but I haven't come out to my Dad. I don't intend to. I told him when I was getting a divorce, just that I was getting a divorce. He asked why and I said, "it's better for both of us if we do." He wasn't happy about it because he thought very highly of my husband.
I'm my Dad's POA and primary care-giver. He is almost 80 and has alot of emotional and physical issues. I think ultimately he just wants me to be happy...and I am...although he wouldn't agree with or understand my lifestyle. I don't know what generation your Dad is, but my Dad would never "get it." I would have to hear about sin and saddam and gammorah and hell and damnation and I don't want to hear it--those are his beliefs, not mine. If he would decide to disown me, then he's screwed :shock: because my good-for-nothing brother will let him rot in a nursing home and my Dad is just stubborn enough to allow it to make a point. Even though that would make my life easier, trust me, I feel a responsiblity to see that Dad is properly cared for. So, I don't want to take a chance. That's my motive. Check your motives either for or against telling your Dad.
Is this something you really need to do? Right now? If you need to, then news like that is best done in person.
My point is definately not to discourage you...I just want you to know you don't have to tell him...now or maybe ever.
“Truth is such a rare thing, it is delightful to tell it” ~Emily Dickenson~
Post by confusedbex on Jun 14, 2013 4:05:47 GMT -5
I couldn't not tell my Dad. I'm 24, so my Dad is still young and I will hopefully live with my GF in the future and have a family. Not something I can easily hide from him! I also don't want to hide it from him. I want my GF to become part of the family which she is becoming on my Mums side. It may not go well when I tell him but at least I know within myself that I've been truthful. Not saying what you are doing is wrong at all. We just both have very different situations!
I've always found the direct approach the easiest for me. Something along the lines of "I've started dating and found someone I really like, her name."
There's always questions, but just answer honestly. Did you know before (no, in my case)? Are you sure (no is fine, but I'm really happy at the moment)? Don't assign motivation to a question. If he asks are you sure, it doesn't have to mean he isn't supportive. It might just be a real question.
It's likely to take some time to sink in and his reaction may evolve for the better or worse over time. You don't have to give too much info and he may barely react at all depending on how he feels. Lots of times it can be tough for a parent because they have imagined their grandchildren and suddenly feel like their imagined future for you has been ripped up. Believe or not, they're just people like the rest of us and usually the first question/concern is how will this affect me?
Does he go to a church where he may be "blamed"? How will this affect him? Truth is, it probably won't. But it may take time for him to realize that. If you really don't want to do it in person, a nice phone call might be nice. It allows him to ask questions if he wants to. On the other hand, I don't know your relationship and if you think email would be good it also allows him some time to digest before getting back to you.
I have seen that the more you accept yourself, the more likely others are to accept you. If I assume that someone will be accepting, they are embarrassed not to be. If you act ashamed or try to dance around it, it's a cue that it isn't ok and that triggers other people to react in the exact manner you were dreading.
Much luck to you. It may be easy going or it may take time for him to absorb, but he's going to be fine with it when he sees you happy.
“The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.”- George Bernard Shaw